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My “WHY”

It has been a little while since I last wrote… and I have been feeling like I should… so here we GO!

Everyone has a “why” in life.  You may not know you have one, you may not know what yours is yet, that “why” may have changed, you may have lost it over time, BUT you do have one.  This concept of having a “why” drives you to your goals, deters you away from things that don’t help push you towards your goals or dreams, help define your character, helps make up a chunk of your being.  It can be powerful if you allow it to be.  Over the last few months, nay, the last year I went through some phases, and over time I think my “why” changed and I wasn’t ready for the change yet, because I am stubborn, so I lost it.  If you are anything like me and things change or you lose your purpose of WHY you are doing what you are doing, you end up in this weird cycle you just can’t break out of.  It almost feels like you are duct taped to a treadmill chasing a donut in front of you.  No matter how fast you run, how long you run, the extra work you put in on the side to improve your running, at the end of the day you will never get that donut; you will never actually move forward.

Right now there are a lot of things in my life I am dreaming of or have as a goal, and all are in different areas of my life.  The best example I can give you for my “why” is with my body.  I am trying to achieve a healthy life.  I am a Crossfitter and I would love to eventually compete and feel like an athlete… maybe even run a half marathon one day, but overall my goal is to be healthy.  I have been trying to lose weight and be fit for three years now.  Three years ago this month was when I stepped foot into my gym for the first time, and ever since then things have drastically changed in a good way.  At first when I started, my “why”,  to lose weight and get healthy was for my baby nephew.  I promised him so many times I was going to get healthy so I could play with him, run around and teach him soccer when he got older, be able to help him play T-ball, etc.  I was doing it for him.  I worked my ass off and was determined and I got good results- it was never a linear progress, there are always ups and downs, but none-the-less progress was made.  Over time my “why” wasn’t powerful enough, because I was fit enough to hang with my nephew and chase him all over the place.  I was running Spartan Races and getting stronger at the gym.  So my “why” changed.  This time it changed to: me wanting to look good in a sports bra and shorts.  If I ever had the body to wear just a sports bra and shorts…. This had to be it… I want to look hot.  I’ll save you the long story and just say that this reason for me getting healthy didn’t last long.  In fact my “why” has changed so many times over the past few years I have lost count.  My nephews, my looks, goal to run a half marathon, goal to compete, want to be skinny like my sisters, want to prove to my family my love of CrossFit, wanting to prove to people that I wouldn’t quit, not wanting to be like my aunt who died from complications of obesity, etc.  The list goes on.  My “why” kept changing but my progress on getting healthier didn’t- it actually went backwards a little bit.

Here is what I have found.  It is ok for your “why” to change.  In fact I believe the more it changes the more you grow as a person, because you are constantly wanting more and pushing yourself in ways you never thought were capable.  However, if your “why” isn’t the right “why” then here is what happens.  You start to lose motivation, you stop caring as much, you have more bad days than good, that donut on the treadmill gets further and further away from you and you don’t even realize it until you can’t even see it anymore.  Poof. GONE.  

The past few months I have been struggling.. Not going to lie.  I have been going through motions but not actually getting anything done.  That donut had been vanished for quite some time and I felt I had no purpose, then go ahead and add some stress, an injury, of course isolation, and BAM… negative thoughts come flooding in.  (These flooded thoughts don’t just come and go; they like to hang out for a while and see how much damage they can do before you shake that shit out of your head) 

 Luckily this shitty quarantine has allowed me to do A LOT of self reflection, bible time, and thinking.  I am talking like a deep soul searching thinking….. Which hurts and is painful, but needs to be done in order to change and grow as an individual.  So by doing all of this thinking and searching I got slapped pretty hard in the face with a concept.  The reason my “why” for me losing weight and becoming healthy was not good enough.  It was never good enough because it was never for me.  I know this kind of comes off as selfish, but I believe it is ok to be selfish sometimes, (but that is a whole nother rant I will not go on right now). 

 Anyways, It was never good enough because it wasn’t for me.  All of my reasons were for other people, or for looks for guys, or because I wanted to prove people wrong!  I occasionally had times where I was super fired up and motivated and the flames were burning high, but eventually the flames got pissed on and the fire died.  All this time I could never figure out what was wrong with me and If I wanted this so bad why I couldn’t do it.  I told myself I was a failure and I kept giving up on myself.  I lacked self motivation to want to get up and workout, eat right, keep a healthy mindset, and over time it caught up with me. I had been feeling like that duct tape that was keeping me taped to the treadmill finally had enough wear and tear and ripped off without warning.  When it did the speed was so high I couldn’t keep up and the thing sent my ass flying off the back slamming me against the wall so hard that all I could do was lay there looking at the damn ceiling wondering if that really just happened to me and why.  (this seems over dramatic I know.  BUT I am trying to get across a good analogy to how it feels sometimes).

After this face slapping concept occurred something finally clicked! I re-found my “why”.  This time I am making it about me, myself, and I.  I am currently coming back from an injury and from the last few months of me eating myself to death.  I am taking this new found why and this quarantine as a fresh start.  I made new goals, I am cleaning up the life surrounding me, I am putting in more effort with the people in my life, I am choosing to make the effort of eating/cooking healthier.  I am motivated and determined.  I already know that things will be rocky- no journey is a linear path, but I am ready for those pits and valleys.  I am expecting those pits and valleys.  I also know that I will get through the bad days and moments of darkness and doubt.  How do I know? Because of my “why”.  I am worth it.  I am worth the hard work it is going to take.  I am worth the time it takes to meal prep and track my macros.  I am worth finishing my Physical Therapy to come back strong from my injury.  I am worth the fight to climb out of those dark pits and battle through hard times.  I am worthy.  It took me a long time to come to this conclusion- and I literally have to remind myself of it constantly.  The mind likes to try to convince you otherwise.  This is what it all comes down to… your “why”.

  Like I stated previously, my “why” has changed so many times in the past, but I have a good feeling about this one.  I feel like this one is going to stick with me for the long haul and not to mention open up some new doors for me as my perspective on things have changed a bit!   Remember, you are never alone in your battles. Use those around you to get through the tough times and tell those negative thoughts trapped in your head to get the hell out!  And guess what? You are worthy too. You are worth the effort you put in and can do it! I have recognized that you have to want it for yourself and not only want it, but believe you are actually worthy to have it. You have this… time to get off that treadmill and on to the path.  It’s time to inch closer towards that donut.  

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Dealing With Anxiety Attacks

Let me just start off by saying…. Fu*k Covid-19

I am a nurse so dealing with the madness these past few weeks I think has finally caught up with me.  These past few days I have been having the worst anxiety attacks.  The anxiety attacks come at random times and sometimes not even for a good reason.  I have found that stress brings them hence, Fu*k Covid-19.   For those of you who don’t know what an anxiety attack feels like… mine go something like this.  First the trigger happens… your heart rate ramps up to about 120bpm, your feet and hands start to tingle, you start to perspire profusely, your stomach all of a sudden feels like there is a giant rock in it, you have problems breathing and you begin to hyperventilate.  You get nauseous and sometimes vomit or just dry heave over the toilet bowl for 10 minutes straight.  Your legs go numb and feel spastic and stiff like a wooden board.  Sometimes my eyesight gets spotty other times I get a massive migraine.  Every possible worse outcome comes racing through my mind.  Tears sometimes just start flowing uncontrollably to the point where you have to get out of the public eye, because you can’t stop the urge to cry and you know once it starts, IT WON’T STOP.  Depending on how bad the anxiety gets sometimes I feel like the world is closing in on me and I can’t sit still; I just keep pacing back and forth wanting to be anywhere but where I currently am.  IT IS TERRIBLE!

In the past/ present (but I am trying to work on it)  I tend to deal with my anxiety in unfavorable ways.  I would sedate myself with alcohol, drugs, food, exercise.  Anything I could do to shut my mind up and temporarily export myself to a different destination.  I don’t want to think about it, be anywhere near it, listen to it, etc.  So, I sedated until the anxiety faded away.  Here is a shocker….. sedation doesn’t fix the problem; it puts a band- aid on the problem. 

So here is what I have found out about my anxiety.  As much as it sucks to do, the only way to stop the anxiety attack is to address the problem at hand and figure out the trigger.  Once I know the trigger the task at hand then becomes why did it trigger me?  For instance, my most recent anxiety attack came from work when I was told I had to float to a new unit for my shift.  This unit was going to be a new location, new people, different rules, I had no idea how to even get there, and boom… my anxiety attack began.  The first thing I wanted to do was go to comfort food to pull me out of this chaotic mess, but I knew that wasn’t going to fix my problem.  Instead I did some deep breathing techniques and slowed my mind down with some quick meditation.  (This is definitely not easy and sometimes it takes a long time and multiple times for it to even begin to work)  Then I thought about why I was so triggered.  It all boiled down to fear and self- doubt, and some self- negative thoughts.  Once I knew where the root of the problem was coming from I then thought about why I was talking to myself in such a negative manner.  I have struggled through way worse in the past, was I really going to let this minor obstacle in the road derail my entire evening?

I have learned to say Fu*k this ALOT.  Not in a negative way… but in a ” I Fu*king got this shit” kind of way.  Me just saying these Fu*k you statements make me feel more powerful over the situation.  It reminds me that I am strong and smart and I can handle anything that gets thrown my way with hard work, prayer, and my support system around me. 

Anxiety will never fully go away, but the more you address the WHY of the anxiety in the first place, and you have a fallback plan, things tend to run a bit more smoothly.  I am starting to learn more and more that the best way to deal with anxiety is just jump right in to the fire and come face to face with triggers and all of the uncomfortable- touchy- feely emotions that are attached to it.  So I challenge you to find your triggers next time you become anxious.  Talk to someone about them and figure out a game plan to help prevent anxiety in the future.  And as always remember you are never alone.   

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The Ripple Effect

Today, I want to share something positive.  Not only because everyone has been so down in the slumps lately, but because I have been happy with the changes I have been seeing within myself.  Dare I say….. I am actually feeling proud of myself. I am normally so used to myself being anxious or upset, screwing something up, and then spiraling downward out of control and feeling nothing but chaos around me.  Lately I have been feeling in control and finally feel like I can use what I have learned to help others.    

I have learned that the environment that surrounds you can have a huge impact on your life and has the power to change you as a person. How did I learn this?  I had this old job that I absolutely hated. I am talking like not wanting to get out of bed everyday to go, feeling nauseous as I walked up to the employee entrance, was crabby and didn’t give a crap about the work I was doing, never had anything positive to say, caused me unnecessary stress, kind of hate.  I tried to stay positive and give myself pep talks, but those only lasted so long. I was miserable which made me not always the easiest person to be around or talk to. A few months ago I had an injury that took me out of work for a few months. Within this time I actually started a new job, I feel I grew up a lot in the maturity aspect, and learned a whole lot about myself and my true character.

So here is what I found when I returned to the old job I hated (recap of hatred above).  The job itself was not the problem.  I waltzed in and did what I knew how to do best.  I kept positive vibes, not forcefully, but because I was genuinely happy, and things were fine.  What wasn’t fine? The environment that I was in. I was quick to notice the people around me (co-workers mostly) were all in a foul mood.  They complained about everything possible, they talked bad towards people, they tried to talk to me in a condescending tone, they gossiped, and overall they made me go from calm, cool, collected to an anxious mess in about 10minutes.  Then the lightbulb moment happened!! Holy crap, I used to be one of these people just a few months ago. I was part of this environment and was one of these people who complained as soon as I walked in the doors, and participated in the gossip, and accepted their condescending tone towards me, etc.  No wonder I was miserable, who wouldn’t be working like that all the time? At the time I didn’t realize it because, well, I was so caught up in everything and I didn’t take the time to dig deep and look at the root of my unhappiness.

So here is what I have learned.  Before all of my mindset coaching, and all of my breakthroughs, self discoveries, my injury, this blog, I was always so scared and unsure of sharing things with others.  I didn’t think I had anything of worth to help others, because I felt like I was a hot mess and what value could that possibly bring? I liked my comfort zone and I was indeed snuggled up there with a warm blanket and a dozen pillows.  Guess what? As you get through things in life it gives you enough experience to maybe help others through the same struggle. As far as the comfort zone thing goes…. I have learned that comfort zones get you absolutely nowhere. Every time I step out of the zone it definitely is hard and I feel like a failure, but then I notice I start to grow as a person in different ways.  I like to share my personal experiences now, and muster up the confidence to do things I normally wouldn’t, and by doing that I have learned it actually makes an impact on those around me. THE ENVIRONMENT AROUND YOU HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE YOU AS A PERSON.

It is like the ripple effect.  Now, for my old job that I used to hate, now that I know the problem I can try to be the first drop of water that starts a ripple.  I can be the one to minimize the gossip by not participating. I can be the person to change the subject when people are complaining to some positives.  I can be the person to stop the condescending tones when I notice it, because I know I didn’t like being talked to that way. I may not be able to change people, but I can do my best to change the environment around me, because it makes a huge difference on a person’s mood and self esteem too. So here is my advice to you.  Be the first drop of water to start a ripple in the pond, then the lake, and who knows maybe the ocean? Step out of your comfort zone and take a picture in your sports bra to show other women that they can be brave and not be self conscious about their bodies. Encourage a friend to step out of their comfort zone and reach for what seems like an impossible dream, they will never know unless they try.  Share experiences with others whether it be happy or depressing because you never know who it will reach out and touch. Also, let me be the one to say, (my coach says this all the time) You don’t have to be in a perfect headspace or be doing perfect in life to help someone. A lot of the time people need help when they are in the same cold dark corner as you, not when they are feeling great and on top of the world.  So think about that.

As humans we all go through a lot of the same things, but no one is willing to step up and be the first to say it is happening to them.  We all need help sometimes, so be the first drop of water and see how the environment around you can change!  

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Self-Worthy?

Self Worth.  A tricky topic because it goes deep into yourself; a scary place for people to be.  Lately I have been doing some soul searching and trying to find a piece of me that I feel has been missing. I know I lack self worth, but I didn’t know how to fix that, well because, I didn’t truly understand what self worth was.  You see, I thought self worth was telling yourself you are worthy, telling yourself you are a badass, convincing yourself that you are pretty, etc. Turns out I don’t think that is where self worth comes from at all. To be honest, I still don’t fully understand, but I think I have a better handle on it now, so I thought I’d share some of my thoughts.

    First off, I have come to the realization that self worth isn’t something you can just automatically have.  It’s not like some people are born with it and others aren’t. It isn’t something you can just put together by reading self help books and watching TED talks. (seriously I tried that….it doesn’t work like that) It isn’t something someone can give you either. Here is the thing about self worth, it doesn’t come from the good others say about you, or how highly they think of you, how much people love you, or the things you try to convince yourself of.  The only thing that matters when it comes to self worth is what you tell yourself and see in yourself. I don’t care if you have millions of people who love you to the moon and back, and are always saying how great you are; if you don’t love yourself and don’t recognize the person you are becoming in life, then it doesn’t mean shit.

  Are you able to stand in front a mirror, alone, in a quiet room while listening to your own thoughts and looking straight at yourself in the eyes?  I don’t know about you guys, but that makes me cringe just thinking about it, ya know why? I already know that I can’t stand my own thoughts in my head and the anxiety it brings me.  That voice in my head hardly ever has anything nice to say, it is actually unbearable at times to tune in to what I am telling myself about myself. I hate that voice in my head and just try to keep it quiet.  When it gets real loud I get depressed, anxious, I feel like shit. I have used drugs in the past to try to sedate the feelings and quiet the voices. I used drugs because it gave me that little time to be in peace and quiet, the world paused ever so briefly, and time stood still.  It gave me that brief period of no commotion or chaos in my head, in my life. I went through drinking binges, eating binges, and sometimes even tried to mimic this numbing feeling with self harm. Anything I could do to not be alone with my own thoughts. Now does that sound like me earning self worth?  Hell no. It sounds like I was trying to get through life by avoiding all the scary stuff deep down. In fact, it made me think even less of myself. Having to go to Narcotics Anonymous, being a sloppy mess when I went out with my friends, trying to hide marks on my arms and legs; I hated what I was doing to myself, and the negative thoughts in my head got louder, and the vicious cycle continued.  These thoughts that are in your head, how you really feel about yourself, that is all that really matters when it comes to self worth. You can have all of the love in the entire world, but if you don’t even love yourself then you will never be happy. So how do you love yourself? How do you improve in having self worth? Well, I don’t know if there is really even an answer for that.

I will say this: I believe as humans created by God, we all have potential inside of us.  The great thing about potential, in my opinion, is that it is limitless. As long as you are willing to put in the work your potential will continue to be exponential.  I truly believe that if we stop living the lives we THINK we want, stop lying to ourselves about our happiness, stop being afraid of our comfort zones and our feelings, stop sticking to a career because of money instead of doing something we love, stop being fake on social media for followers but instead be real and raw, and then dig deep down in ourselves for our true potential, along the way we discover self worth.

There should be no second thoughts about failing, fear of the unknown, money, resources, dreaming too big, or what other people think about it. In order to earn self-worth, you’ll have to do whatever it is you need to do to get what you truly want, period.  You will earn self worth by being more determined than ever before, you are going to throw yourself into situations that scare the shit out of you, do things that are so far from your comfort zone you will be shocked that you did it, you will be constantly tapping into unused potential which then leads to more self growth. You will be growing as a person and giving yourself a sense of self; that sense of “feel good” on the inside that no one else can give you.  It is becoming the person you want to be, it is loving yourself for who you truly are and not pretending to be someone you’re not, it is about standing in front of a mirror alone with all of your thoughts and not cringing away, but looking straight back at the best version possible of yourself with confidence Don’t you owe yourself that much? To live a life worth living without regrets or dying and wish you would have done more? If any of this strikes a chord with you, if you’ve been feeling lost, you feel empty, you feel like no matter what you do it always feels like something is missing, I urge you to dig deep in to your soul and discover your potential, figure out what you need to do to get there, and for the first time maybe ever, take that first step to earn the self-worth you’ve been looking for. 

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Thoughts from a Heavy Heart

As I am writing this I am struggling, because honestly I am so emotional right now I don’t even know where to begin or what I even want to talk about.  However, I feel a tug on my heart to share what I am currently experiencing, so hang in there with me for a moment as I try to sort through my thoughts

First off, let me just say, like I don’t mention it enough, but my Crossfit Box is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Not only the working out, but the whole community in general. The gym is my safe space, whether I am upset, angry, depressed, anxious, it doesn’t matter; it is the one space I feel like I can go to and be 100% myself without being judged.  Don’t even get me started on the people there. The friendships I have made through the gym are once in a lifetime and I have never felt more supported or loved in my entire life. Don’t get me wrong I have a wonderful loving family who definitely supports me, but the people at my gym give me something different in life; it is actually hard to describe, they are like a second family to me.  Coaching. I started coaching Crossfit classes, and coach a crossfit kids class as well. I am still learning, but damn, when I coach and when I see people working so hard on themselves to better their life, or even better, using a workout to help them get through a depression state or to cope with anxiety it warms my heart. They grow with confidence and self-esteem, and without them even knowing they are growing as an individual too.  I get the warm and fuzzies, and it makes me so happy to be there to watch their journey and maybe even a small part of it.  

Friends:  I have made mistakes, been through troubled water, been through joyous events, have had exciting opportunities, and every step of the way I have had amazing friends by my side.  I am truly grateful and blessed to have each and every one of them in my life, whether it be for a short period of time or for the long haul. Each and every one of them has made an imprint in my heart and in some way shape or form has changed my life, and has bettered me as an individual.  These are the people I turn to when things feel overwhelming, when I am heart broken, when I make mistakes and feel lost, when I am happy and proud, when I am excited, when I am thriving. We laugh together, cry together, root for one another, and the memories that come from each one of these moments are truly unforgettable.

Giving myself some gratitude:  Sometimes, it is hard to give yourself some credit in life.  LIFE IS HARD. You should be proud of yourself for getting through obstacles and achieving some goals.  Today, as I was reflecting on my life in the past few months I am grateful for everyone in my life who helped me through and was there for support, but I am also grateful I didn’t give up on myself.  I am proud of myself, and frankly I need to give myself more credit for the things I have accomplished versus hating myself for the mistakes I’ve made or the things I have yet to achieve. It is like my coach likes to say “Swingin Singles”.  Not every hit needs to be a home run, you just need a few base hits and eventually you will be bringing in the runners to home. 

If you were able to read this far I applaud you!  I didn’t really have anything specific in mind while trying to write this; I just was genuinely filled with emotions and had a heavy heart of gratitude.  Usually when I self reflect on my week I tend to pick out a few bad things and dwell on them, but today as I was self-reflecting I realized just how much goodness was in my life.  From the environments I am in, the people I love and hang out with, self-love and appreciation, my weightloss journey from the beginning till now, it all just makes me smile from ear to ear, and I wanted to share it with you all.  I guess my point from this writing is that I have definitley been in dark places before where I thought this joy and happiness I am experiencing now was never going to be an option. I never realized I had all of these wonderful things right in front of me the whole time; I only saw the darkness and refused to use my flashlight.  Life may seem hard and you may be in a spot where you feel like you are stuck or have no options and just want to quit. Hell no. You keep going, because I can speak from experience and tell you that you can and will get through it, and it is not all bad; you will feel whole again and see the light instead of darkness. Hang in there; it’s just another day.  

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My Five Year Plan

This past week I have been doing a lot of self reflection and thinking about the past, present, and future.  Then today, while sitting in church, it hit me. I had a mini breakthrough and I easily became very emotional.  You see, I am turning 25 soon, and I know for a lot of people it is no big deal, but it is a big age for me. About five years ago I had made a five year plan;  a plan for where I wanted my life to be, what I wanted to have accomplished, and how my overall life would look. Honestly, if you look at my current life and then look at my visionary life I made up 5 years ago…… it wouldn’t even look similar;  I felt like such a failure.  

    Five years ago I probably would have said something along the lines of:  In five years I will be a pediatric nurse with a bachelor’s degree at my dream job in a children’s hospital, will be engaged or married and getting ready to have kids, I will have a house, a fancy car, take extravagant vacations every year, and I will be successful.  Now for those of you who know me…. I have none of those things. In my eyes I consider that failing. It is so easy for negative thoughts to then consume you and spiral out of control, and of course that is exactly what happened. I felt crappy, I felt hopeless, and I kind of saw my life as a waste.  I mean it is kind of hard not to think of all of these things as you are looking at your five year plan, and it has been five years and not one thing can be successfully checked off, it stings a bit.

    However, my breakthrough in church!  I don’t know if it was today’s message, or me self- reflecting on my five year journey, or the emotional music, but something clicked.  Yeah, maybe the last five years were not what I was expecting it to be, and the things I thought I wanted didn’t happen, but my life was not a waste and I am not a failure.  I have accomplished so many things in the past five years and my dreams and passions have also changed. The old five year plan just didn’t align with who I was actually becoming and growing to be.  In the last five years I have graduated nursing school with honors, become an aunt to my two amazing nephews, turned 21 and experimented a lot with drinking (those were some fun times), joined crossfit and lost about 65lbs, started my first nursing job and quickly become charge nurse, moved in to my first ever apartment, had oh so many memorable dates (mostly bad..haha), ran my first ever 15k as well as several Spartan races, started going to church, received my Crossfit Level 1 trainer certificate, received my first pediatric nursing job, battled through some addiction problems, bought a new car, built many new relationships with friends and family, decided to get certified in nutrition and personal training, went through injuries and financial struggles, decided to get baptized, coach crossfit in my spare time, and tomorrow I get to start a brand new job at a new hospital, and these are just a few of the highlights.  Does any of that sound like failing? No, to me it is just different. It is a different path than I originally planned and dreamed of, and what an experience to get where I am now.  

    I have a really hard time dealing with change and accepting that things aren’t always going to be how I picture.  This was a perfect example of that. Do I still want some of the things on that original five year plan, yeah for sure, but I believe when the time is right it will happen.  In these last five years, and especially the past two years, I feel I have grown and changed a lot about myself. I feel like I am just getting started with my five year plan because I have bigger and better dreams than before.  I want to start living more in the moment and focus on the here and now, and celebrate the little accomplishments and discoveries about myself along the way. You are not a failure if your life looks different than you had originally thought, it just means God had a different idea for your journey and changed the path you were on.  At least that is how I feel, because I sincerely think that the life I am currently living is 100% better than anything I could have hoped for five years ago. Having a five year plan is good; you get to write down your goals and dreams, and have something to reach for every day when you wake up. Then as the years go by you can adjust your plan to who are becoming or how things are changing.  That is what is so great about a plan… it isn’t concrete and can be adjusted. Who knows, maybe just like me your plan will change because your dreams and passions are bigger than before. Sounds like success to me, and just like that, a breakthrough. Don’t see yourself as a failure, but instead see all that you’ve accomplished and where there is room to grow. God always has a bigger and better plan for you, trust him.

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“Magic” Fat Burners….NOPE

Let’s talk about weight-loss gimmicks.  This is one of those topics that really gets me fired up and all sassy!!  Before I dive in, I’d just like to make the disclaimer, this is just my opinion that comes from my experiences.  I am in no way trying to insult anyone or make anyone feel bad for using weight loss supplements. Since I was an overweight kid, and a girl at that, I definitely felt the body image pressure and have probably used every “fat loss” trick out there.  I used and abused fat loss pills, fat loss drinks, crash diets, body cleansers, metabolism boosters, fat burners, phentermine, fat loss shakes, etc, you name it, I took it. Here is my thing 1. Sellers make these “fat loss” supplements sound so realistic and too good to be true.  2. Most of these products will help you lose weight, but they are NOT sustainable. 3. The sellers of these products are smart and know exactly who to market to, which in my opinion, is breaking all kinds of moral codes

Too Good to be True:  If anyone has ever used a fat loss supplement or tried a fat loss diet, have you ever actually looked at what was in it or how it actually works?  For example, a big one always on the market, fat burners. Now, of course with advertisement, they make it seem like you can take a few fat burners a day and magically all of your fat will just melt away with a bit of exercise.  Now, don’t you think if it worked like that the U.S wouldn’t have an obesity epidemic on their hands? Exactly, the way a fat burner works is usually with an ingredient like caffiene, which helps give a little extra dose of energy to your body which then can slightly raise your heart rate and body heat production which assists fat loss.  When I said slightly, I literally mean like one degree. Now if you pair this fat burner with a proper diet and daily exercise, then yeah, you will lose the weight, but all the credit should go to your hard work, not the pill. Here is my other problem with these fat loss things; it makes it seem like you can continue your regular daily lives and this “magic pill” will take care of everything for you.  So, people continue their daily rituals of eating, hardly moving, and just keep popping these supplements. I know, because I was one of them! Without proper education and the feeling of hopelessness with your weightloss goals, it is easy to get wrapped up in a sales pitch and spend hundreds of dollars on these supplements. A lot of the “weightloss diet foods” we see being sold will help you lose weight, because they do put you in a caloric deficit, however a very unhealthy one, which leads me to my next point.

Sustainability:  Most people are aware that if you are in a caloric deficit, meaning you burn more calories than you consume, you will lose weight.  Some of the products or crash diets I have tried as a teenager did help me lose weight, but I was basically starving myself. There was this one thing I tried once, and it was basically these yummy meal replacement bars.  I got to eat one for breakfast, dinner, and one snack. For lunch I was able to eat real food, but it had to be mostly vegetables and some kind of lean meat. As a teenager I was in heaven; I pretty much got to eat a candy bar for most of my meals AND it helped me lose weight?? SCORE!  Well, it turns out it was not really what I was hoping for. I felt like crap all of the time, I was sore, tired, weak, and eventually it led me back to binge eating. Now that I am older I realized I was only eating about 900-1100 calories/day. That is most definitely not enough food to eat, especially as a growing teenager; I was starving.  A lot of the new shake systems or crash diets nowadays do the same thing. They will get you results, because you stay in a deficit, but it is not healthy and in no way sustainable. As someone who has struggled with weight loss I can tell you mindset plays a huge role with your obesity and your relationship with food. These diets will not fix that relationship, they will cover it up.  So guess what happens when someone who loses 50lbs from this “great” system switches back over to real life? If you guessed that they usually gain their weight back, you guessed right.  

Marketing:  THIS GUTS ME.  As a teenager and even young adult trying to figure out how to gain my life back and lose weight, I felt hopeless and drained.  Nothing I did would stick, the weight always came back plus some, and I still had an unhealthy relationship with food. I was always desperate to try something new.  Now, a lot of you reading this, who may not have been in this stuation before may think that us overweight people are looking for an easy way out, or that we aren’t truly trying, or maybe even that we want to be fat.  These are all things I have had said to me personally. In reality, I hated being fat, but I wasn’t educated properly. I mean sure I knew HOW to eat healthy, but I didn’t know HOW to change my unhealthy habits permanently.  These people, the desparate, hopeless ones, these are the people that marketers go after. The young teenagers who hate themselves because they are bullied for their weight, the super tired moms who give everything to everyone around them but neglect self care and have no time to help themselves, and even the morbidly obese people who really want to change but have no support system and don’t believe in themselves enough to make the leap.  The marketers make sure to hit everyone of these people by making it seem effortless and easy to “fit” into their day. Just take this pill twice a day and look like Sheila who just lost 65lbs. You can look like 50year old Bob who has been drinking these shakes for two months and now has a six pack. These people beliveve that this product could be their chance to change and lose weight, look better, feel stronger. They have exhausted so many other options and they hear these wonderful stories that they only dream about in their heads happening to them.  Now, again, I am not here to bash on anyone, but remembering my experiences when I opened a new box to my new product that was going to make me skinny, then weeks later hating myself because it didn’t work and I was still fat. Man, that stings. I have been there, done it, and never wish that gutted feeling on anyone. These are people’s lives that these sellers are going after, and I don’t know how someone can do that to someone without feeling bad about it.  

I just wish that these supplement companies would be more honest about what their selling and how they actually work.  I am sure that some of these products really could help aid people in losing weight, but they aren’t magic like they portray.  You still have to fix your mindset about food, work hard with eating properly, and bust your butt in the gym to get real results.  I hope that people who read this will think about those weightloss influencers on instagram and Facebook that promote these supplements and magic pills, because I guarantee that is not the only thing they did to lose those 50lbs.  I hope anyone who reads this and sells these products really thinks about HOW they are choosing to portray these products and WHO they are trying to convince to take them. If not any of those things, then I atleast hope you do some research and find out exactly what is in the supplements you want to take and how it is really going to affect your body.  After all, we only get one, we need to take care of it well. I hope everyone has a great rest of their week, and always remember, stay strong, stay motivated, keep your head up, you can and will do whatever you set your mind to.   

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Super Bowl Food Tips

Super Bowl weekend is upon us!!  For most people that means……. FOOOOOD.

Besides Thanksgiving, Superbowl weekend, according to research, is the day of the year people eat the most food.  Let me throw out some numbers for you…. On Super Bowl Sunday in the United States roughly 28million pounds of chips will be consumed, 8million pounds of guacamole will be ingested, and a whopping 1.25 BILLION chicken wings will be eaten.  Not to mention all of the dips and junk food plus the liquor that goes along with it. That is crazy!! Now, for people trying to lose weight or watch their nutrition, Super Bowl Sunday can be a living nightmare. I believe that we should enjoy our weight loss journeys and not have to restrict ourselves too much, so I put together some tips for eating during the SuperBowl.  This way you can still eat pretty clean without missing out on too much fun.

1. Chicken Wings:  If you are a guest and someone will be bringing wings to the party, a good idea would be to ask if they could order a few wings without sauce.  This will save you on calories and all of the fat in those wing sauces. Or, even better, bring your own naked wings, and instead of deep frying them, bake them.  This way you can still enjoy eating wings with your friends, but in a healthier way.

2. Bring a dish to share:  If you are going to a party or even better hosting, make sure you whip something up that you know you will be “safe to eat”.  For example, homemade hummus, dip with greek yogurt instead of sourcream, maybe some sweet potato skins instead of regular potatoes, a veggie tray is always good too.

3. Chips:  Avoid the chips.  If you just have to have your guacamole or salsa, maybe bring a healthier version of chips.  A lot of the stores these days have cauliflower chips, low sodium chips, low carb tortilla chips.  Not only do you want to avoid the extra carbs and fat, but chips are loaded with sodium and are not ideal for someone watching their weight.

4. Alcohol:  If you want to throw down with the guys or have fun with your friends drinking go ahead, but try to limit what you consume.  Alcohol not only has carbs, but can also lead to you binging when you start drinking too much. They have so many different kinds of low calorie options now like Tuly’s, White Claws, Low-cal beer, etc.  If you want to avoid alcohol altogether, great! To avoid a million questions or feeling left out try drinking out of a solo cup so you don’t feel excluded in the festivities.

5. Workout:  If you can, try to get a small sweat session in during the day; it is better than not burning any calories at all and will ease your mind while enjoying your favorite foods.

6. Eat off the plate:  Enjoy yourself!  Go ahead and have some plates of appetizers and food.  Just make a game plan ahead of time. If I say ok, I am going to limit myself to three plates of food, then stick with it.  Maybe on the first plate you try a small bit of everything. Then when you go back for the second plate, be sure to ONLY get the food you truly enjoy and want seconds of, limit yourself, but still indulge in some goodies.  Whatever you do, don’t eat food off the table; when people do this they eat more than intended and easily go overboard in the amount of calories consumed, so put all food on your plate! Also, be sure to throw some veggies in there and make sure to get protein in.

7. Protein:  Be sure to hit your protein numbers.  If that means having a few protein shakes before the party, then that’s what you need to do.  On that note, also try to limit carbs and fat before the big game, so you can save your calories or macronutrients for the delicious food or drinks instead.

8. Don’t go hungry:  Try to have a protein shake or some light healthy food before the game.  When our bodies see food when we are hungry, we tend to get crazy with all the food right before our eyes.  If we aren’t hungry at the game, then chances are we will be more selective about the quality and quantity of the foods we eat.  

That is pretty much all I have.  It is nothing too crazy, but these tips are effective.  Like I said, whether you are on a weightloss journey or are counting macronutrients, food should still be enjoyable.  It is ok to enjoy the holidays or events like the Super Bowl once in a while; you just have to be smart about it. I hope some of these tips help you out and I hope everyone has a great Super Bowl weekend!

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Battling the Mind

This week has been hard….. And it is only Wednesday.  The week has been good, full of good news, and there hasn’t been any particular thing that has brought me down… except my mind.  Emotionally I am a wreck; I have been arguing with myself just to crawl out of bed in the morning, can’t stay focused on my nutrition, have been avoiding all of my responsibilities, have been sleeping pretty much most of the day, etc.  It is just one of those weeks where I really have to pull myself out of the weeds. When I get in these phases it is hard for others to understand; nothing anyone says can help me to feel better, it is just something I have to fight through my self.  

I think this week it has a lot to do with all of the changes going on.  Like I said, it has been a fairly good week, and I have actually been happy with myself and how life is going.  Sometimes, when things get too good, I start self-sabotaging myself. It is almost like things are too good to be true and I have to have something go wrong for things to be balanced.  I know it sounds stupid, but that is just how it feels. My nutrition has been great and I have been losing fat, so why not ruin that with binging, just so I can complain when I don’t lose weight this week.  Or, things are great with my jobs holding my position for me due to an injury, but let’s just try to sabotage that by not turning in important paperwork to my boss. Even better, my knee is feeling great, how about I do something stupid and try to do some lifting, knowing that I could make one wrong move and make the injury ten times worse.  My favorite though, picking stupid things to fixate on, blowing them out of proportion, and then giving my self an anxiety attack.  

When I get to this point, or when I am feeling like I am spiraling out of control, there are a few things that tend to help calm me down: 1. Journal about it or vent to somebody- sometimes, just getting the thoughts out of your head helps you find clarity in the situation, and will help you pinpoint the true problem.  2.  Listen to some music.  Whatever music is going to calm you down and get you in the zone.  My go-to is usually country or christian music. (Sometimes I specifically look for sad music and just cry it out)  I am not the best at sharing feelings so sometimes crying it out is what I need so I don’t bottle things up. 3. Once your mind is clear look at the root of the problem and try your best to address it. I struggle with this, because half the time I end up trying to ignore the problem, but that only leads to more problems and some ramped up anxiety issues.  I have found what works best is to just attack the issue head on and piece by piece. 

Battling with your mind is not an easy task and can be daunting and destructive.  I just wanted to share what has been going on this week for me, because it is very real and something that happens often.  When I have weeks like this, it usually isn’t a one day thing, it is a week, sometimes two week battle. I am a lot better handling it now than I used to be, but it takes a lot out of you.  “Staying positive” is a bunch of crap and I am not going to pretend like that is what I tell myself, because that is the last thought on my mind when I feel like this. The only thought in my mind is usually to “just survive this”.  The only way for me to get past this rough patch is to feel the emotional storm brewing and just let it hit me, try my best to not get derailed from my goal path, and then let it pass. I will say though, I try my hardest to not give up;  I force myself to get up and move, even if it is just to go to the bathroom or walk outside to get the mail. I force myself to feel the emotions and maybe cry myself to sleep. I make myself go to the gym and do something, whether it is half-assed or not; it is better than doing nothing at all.  I try hard to avoid using any kind of sedatives(alcohol, drugs, food). In my opinion, and experience, the worst thing you can do is just give up, because then you associate yourself as a failure, and that is a slippery slope to the bottom of a hole you just dug yourself. Just try to have faith that everything will be ok and just keep praying; that is what I am trying my best to do, and honestly sharing this with you all is helping me relax a bit.  Remember, you are never alone in how you are feeling. Keep fighting day in and day out. This too shall pass.

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The People Around You

“You are only going to be as good as the people you surround yourself with”

Go back and read that again please….. Ok now think about that for a minute.  This is a quote I definitely have heard before, and time and time again, I definitely put on the back burner.  Recently, in my life, I have been going through a lot of changes. Changes about how I view myself, changes in my career choices, changes in my lifestyle choices, changes in how I choose to follow Christ, and changes about who I spend my time with.  I never realized how much people affected your life, until I started changing who I associated my time with. Believe it or not, even from when we are kids in preschool, every single person we associate with in life can have an impact on our life. These impacts don’t have to be huge, it can be as simple as a stranger saying hi and smiling to you at the grocery store, or maybe in grade school a friend let you borrow their favorite lucky pencil for a big test day.  Maybe because of that stranger saying hi, there is a young kid who decides to not cut themselves today, and maybe because of that generosity of the lucky pencil you grow up and decide to be a humanitarian. This may seem like an exaggeration, but these things have actually happened to people. Every person surrounding you in life can make an impact on your life. Scary  

So now I want you to think about the people you hang around with, that are your support system, your friends, family, co-workers; also think about your goals, dreams, desires.  Do they help you towards your targets or are they dragging you further away? Maybe, they aren’t doing either, you are just stagnant. Like I said previously, I have changed a lot about who I spend my time with, and only then did I realize how stagnant I was being in life.  My goals weren’t being met, my targets weren’t coming any nearer, my mindset was all off and my anxiety was at an all time high. The way my lifestyle was going I felt trapped and confused, constantly worrying about fitting in with certain crowds. This is not what I wanted out of life or how I wanted to handle my average day to day.  This was in no way the fault of the people surrounding me; this was me making my own decisions, choosing the actions I took, and I am solely responsible for the outcomes, but I will say that the people surrounding me affected how I made certain decisions or choices.

The people I spend most of my time with now, are affecting my life in a more purposeful way.  I have been working out with more determination, being more aware of my mindset, overcoming some uncomfortable shit, diving deeper in to my faith, making the most with my time available, and overall I feel happier and on track with where I want to be in the future.  I am making decisions to go to bed early because I know it will be beneficial for my health, wake up early so I have time to get things done, be sure to schedule my Jesus time every day so I can grow in my faith, I am staying on track with nutrition and constantly being inspired by those around me, and I don’t feel the need to suppress or sedate my feelings because I feel more comfortable sharing them.  I don’t feel like I have to act a certain way depending on who I am with, I don’t have to worry or be anxious about saying something weird or out of the “norm”, and I know that the people I have in my corner will certainly hit me with some hard love if they see me slippin or doing something that doesn’t align with what I am working towards. I can just be myself, take off the mask I was hiding behind before, and be who I truly am and not have to act to “fit in”.  THAT is what I mean when I say people can affect and have an impact on your life.  

In order to succeed in anything you need a strong support system and you need the people surrounding you to be making you better.  You need to find people who make you feel like the best and most authentic version of yourself . This is definitely not an easy task, and there will come a time when some people who were once that person are no longer, and you have to muster up the courage to let them go.  I am not going to lie, I struggle with this one, but I have been working on my courage to do so, and it definitely pays off to have peace with the parting. At the end of the day this is my life, my dreams, my goals, my success that I am trying to build. If you have people you associate with who aren’t helping you get closer to these things then you need to put distance between yourself and them. Think again about the people you surround yourself with.  Are they successful, hardworking, dreamers, visionaries, strong, capable, vulnerable, patient, respectful, confident, faithful, wise, honest, willing? 

“You are only as good as the people you surround yourself with”

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How to Stop Binging

For some reason all week long I kept finding myself in conversations about mental illness and eating disorders, so I felt God tugging on my heart to share some insight about it from my perspective.  First of all, I’d like to start by saying mental illness  seems like a scary word to most people, myself included, and I think people think it is scary because society portrays it to be.  Having a mental illness does not make you any less of a person, does not make you crazy, and there are more people than you think that have a mental illness, but either are too scared to open up about it or don’t even realize they are struggling with one.  I myself have been through eating disorders, anxiety, and depression. I could go on and on about mental health, but today I am just going to focus on one topic that has probably been my biggest struggle; eating disorders.

This week I was having a conversation with a close friend about binge eating (also let me point out the friend I was having this conversation with, you would definitely not peg as a binge eater.)  I guess that is another point to bring up though, you can’t LOOK like a certain disorder or place people in a certain category.  Everyone goes through their own eternal battles and a lot of the times don’t show it from the outside, they silently struggle from within.  Anyways, we were talking about binge eating and sharing stories from our past. Binge eating is a nasty cycle that people are in. I know when I binged it was hard to break the cycle because you binged, felt bad about it and then felt so ashamed you binged more, then you got on an anorexia kick and starved yourself, then you starve yourself so much you finally crack and eat everything in sight by the end of the week.  For some people it seems silly and hard to understand. “Just don’t eat so much”, “eat slower”, “just stop when you’re full”. I wish it was that simple, but people who are binging or are dealing with any sort of eating disorder are often dealing with things deeper than just eating. For me, binging was a result of my anxiety outbursts or depression states. I made food my comfort and utilized it for everything. I am not good at dealing with my feelings, and easily become very overwhelmed and overthink everything.  I suppressed my feelings down and tried to ignore them and the only way I knew how to cope with that was with food. Whether I was happy, mad, disappointed, nervous, excited, etc, I would use food. The thing about binge eating, is you eat whether you are full or not. I cannot even tell you how many times I would eat until I got sick. It is embarrassing to admit, but also very real and is something I had to struggle through. 

I am no professional and I am in no way trying to give out false information, but in MY OPINION, I strongly believe that eating disorders are a mental illness, and at least for me, they usually stem from deeper issues.  Over the years, especially after starting CrossFit, and got a mindset coach, I have learned a lot about myself and how to deal with my mental health. There are three main points I want to share that have helped me start to break the cycle of binge eating and hopefully can help someone else too.

Know your triggers– I was told by my coach whenever I felt the need to binge eat or started to feel out of control I should journal how I was feeling at the moment.  This was not ideal for me because I am NOT good with emotions. However, after doing it each time it became easier each time, and also more beneficial.  From writing down how I truly felt it helped me surface my emotions and made them easier to confront, but also helped me find my triggers. One of my big triggers is isolation.  When I am alone with my own thoughts things can get pretty hectic. My brain starts to work in overdrive and every bad thought I could possibly think of decides to make an appearance.  Before, I would easily get wound up in the chaos and the only way I knew how to stop the thoughts were to get comfort food; now I am aware of my trigger so instead of getting overwhelmed I sift through all of my emotions and journal.  Most of the time once I finish journaling I can calm myself down and no longer need the comfort foods. Finding out your triggers can help you stay proactive and have a plan so you are not always on the defensive side of things which makes things feel a little less overwhelming and chaotic.

Follow a Food Plan – This step is something I have learned that helps a lot, but you have to be willing to try something out of your comfort zone and also make a full commitment.  If you say you will do it, but then only follow the plan half the time, you probably won’t see the best results. (with that being said, if you fail, get up and try again; failing is better than doing nothing; regroup and keep trying)  For me, my food plan is counting macronutrients (will be more posts about this in the future).  Currently I am eating more calories than I have in a long time (because I am actually eating enough for my body to function properly) and it has helped so much with my desire to not binge eat.  It keeps me full and satisfied and I eat so frequently that I don’t even crave the urge to eat any extra.  Being able to try and hit a target each day and get a check mark for hitting each macronutrient and total calories gives me satisfaction, and I feel good about myself.  Most importantly, it helps me control my eating habits while still feeling like I am not too restricted with what I can have, hence me not binging.

 YOU ARE NOT ALONE- As I previously mentioned above, I was talking about binge eating to a friend that I would never suspect would binge eat.  People tend to keep their mental health issues a secret and even feel ashamed by them. I am still uncomfortable sharing my personal life with the world, but here I am trying; why? Because I think it is important to spread awareness and let people know they aren’t alone.  You aren’t crazy, you are not the only one who feels the way you do, and more than likely there is someone in your life who struggles the same way you do. When I had this conversation with my friend I felt relieved and I felt better knowing that I was not the only one who struggled with binge eating.  I wasn’t the only one who used food to suppress their feelings. I wasn’t the only one that would hide from friends or family and eat until I got sick. I wasn’t the only one that felt self-conscious when going out to eat with other people, because you always finished your plate while the others only finished half.  It felt good to know that I wasn’t alone. We are never alone and we don’t have to hide who we really are or how we really feel. The sooner you recognize you aren’t the only one dealing with hard shit, the sooner you can learn to cope with things differently and not have to use food to do it. So shed some light in the darkness, talk about your mental health with others, it may surprise you how many people are going through the same things.  Help each other get through the rough patches; I am never alone, you are never alone, we are never alone.

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Tips to a Successful Week

Sunday fun day! Lazy Sunday!  Aw no, tomorrow is Monday! How about, Yay! Strategize Sunday!  I think it could catch on? For most people, I know Sundays are their days to relax, clean the house, or wear pajamas all day and binge watch Netflix. (I may or may not have done this a few times….)

Sundays are also the day before the start of the week.  This is the day where you need to sit down to get yourself prepared for the week;  I have found that it is the key way to stay successful and on track with your ultimate goals.  Life happens and plans get derailed, but if you have a game plan ahead of time when something goes awry, it turns into a problem solving task rather than a chaotic end of the world crisis.  So two simple tips to make the most out of your Sunday in order to crush life:

1.  Meal Prep:  Meal prepping is a very important step in the process to ensure you are allowing yourself a chance to keep your nutrition on point.  Cook in bulk and make lunches, dinners, and especially some healthy on – the – go snacks. Again, life happens, so if you are in a time jam or something unexpectedly comes up you can grab one of your premade meals or snacks instead of running through the drive-thru.  This isn’t only helping you stay on track with nutrition, but also saving money… it’s a win-win. The trick for meal prepping is to find some dishes you love that you can make in bulk. For example a big one for me is Chicken- Rice bowls. I make a pound of chicken, a whole instant pot full of rice, and cook up some broccoli.  Now I have easily four meals and it literally only takes about 30 minutes of my time. If you need help with recipes check out my recipe page and food gallery! I’ll be posting new recipes weekly to help you guys out!

2. Weekly Goals:   Most often, successful people have a plan or outline of what they want, and the steps they need to take to achieve it.  Every Sunday should be like a goal session. Get out a pen and pad of paper and write down all the things you need and want to get done.  Then, order them in a list from top priority to optional. Although it is important to have goals, having too much on your plate can get messy and make you feel overwhelmed, so prioritize the needs and leave the wants optional.  Once you have your goals set up for the week now it is time to strategize and plan. For example, maybe one of your goals is to hit your macronutrient numbers 5/7 days. So how are you going to ensure you hit this goal? Meal Prep!  Maybe your goal is to spend more time with your kids or play a game with them before bed. Well maybe for you that means you have to go in to work early one day so you can leave at an earlier time, and be home for family dinner. There are only so many hours in the day, so in order to achieve our goals and get what we want out of life we have to have good intentions every single day.  Therefore, by making a goal list, prioritizing the goals, and strategizing a plan to take action, we can be more successful and be less stressed than trying to do things on the fly.  

There you have it! Two simple tips to help you set yourself up for a successful week ahead!  It really doesn’t take much time so you can still relax and binge watch Netflix in your pajamas if you so choose! (I definitely do)  Keep an eye out for more of my posts on tips for how to be successful!  I have plenty more to come!

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Never Forget Your Journey

Promise me you’ll always remember….  This is the tattoo I have on my foot, and it is a good reminder to never forget my journey, and to never give up, especially when I’m having one of those days.  You know those days where you feel like you are not good enough, you feel like a failure, you feel sad and lonely. We are all human and we all have those days, and that is okay.  Sometimes we just need a reminder that we can get through the day or the week or the month as long as we don’t give up. I use my tattoo as one of the ways to snap myself back to reality.  To me, promise me you’ll always remember…  has two meanings and I’d like to share them with you.  

Meaning Number One:  Promise me you’ll always remember refers to my weightloss journey and how far I have come, even on the days I feel like I haven’t made any progress at all.  My weightloss journey didn’t just start three years ago; I have struggled with my weight all of my life, was bullied a lot for being overweight, have felt self-conscious and unflattering, and have done many stupid things to try and lose weight in an unhealthy way ( I didn’t know how stupid and dangerous the stuff was at the time).  I struggled with binge eating, and would literally eat and eat and eat until I would make myself sick, I would go get fast food whenever I was feeling emotional (either good or bad) and sit in the car in an empty parking lot and eat it all so there was no left over evidence for my family to find, and I would snack on Cheetos (my favorite) in the middle of night while watching T.V on my phone and hoping my family wouldn’t wake up from the crinkling sound the bag was making as the bag grew emptier and emptier.  I also struggled with dieting and trying to make myself skinny. The endless amount of fad/crash diets I have tried is embarrassing; one of the worst was juicing, and all I had to eat, technically drink, every day were cups of vegetable juice with lemon and cayenne pepper to help burn the fat away, and I felt miserable. I have tried so many fat loss pills, went to weightloss clinics and got phentermine, tried to skip meals while still working out twice a day. I remember one time in high school I was trying to fit into my prom dress so for a week straight I skipped breakfast, had like 6 baby carrots for lunch, and barely ate any dinner (I had to eat something or else my family would notice).  I fit better in my prom dress though, so at the time I thought it was worth it.

Three years ago when I started CrossFit, things started changing.  I was eating better, I still struggle, but it is way better than it was.  I worked hard at the gym and tried my best to focus on bettering myself. My mindset started to change and I started feeling powerful and good about myself for once; I felt proud of new accomplishments.  I started taking weekly progress photos ( I highly recommend this for anyone on a fitness journey!) and eventually I started posting them on social media, which scared the crap out of me, but I wanted to start doing things that challenged my psyche.  Although things seem better, which they are, bad days are still bound to happen. In fact the other day I was having an awful day mentally and I just felt disgusted with myself, and how I looked.  I knew I had put on some weight again, and I was just starting to feel like I used to. I just happened to look for something in my closet that day when I found a bag of old clothes I kept from when I first started working out (also highly recommend doing).  I couldn’t believe the clothes even used to fit, I mean really, some of those shirts I could fit two of me in now.  Then I was feeling nostalgic and started looking at some old videos of me working out and lifting and man did I suck!  I could hardly even do a sit up and barely a pushup from my knees whereas now I can knock out a set of 20 easily and do real push-ups.  

Sometimes because things change so much, you forget where you once started, but I never want to forget where I came from and everything I went through, because it taught me so much about who I am.  So to me, promise me you’ll always remember… means to remember how you used to feel when you stuffed your face with a whole bag of cheetos, how you felt when you ate till you were vomiting, how you felt when you starved yourself to the point where you were so tired and weak it was hard to function, how you felt when you couldn’t even hang on the pullup bar because you couldn’t hold your own weight up, that fat loss pills don’t work but hard work and dedication do, to love yourself inside and out, and to always remember where you started and how far you’ve come.

 Meaning Number Two:  The beginning of one of my favorite quotes.  Weight-loss is most definitely a physical journey, but mindset plays a huge role too.  In fact, without a good mindset it really doesn’t matter how great you look because you never truly believe it.  For instance if you want to lose weight because you want to be skinny, that’s great, but if every time you look in the mirror and you tell yourself you’re fat, you will come to find that skinny is never skinny enough.  Our brains are a beautiful thing, but man can they really screw you over. One little small mustard seed size of a bad thought can easily spiral out of control and now you are in a mental breakdown, and it’s usually yourself you are tearing down in the process.  It could be right before you try to do something very uncomfortable like be vulnerable and open up to someone you are dating, or you telling yourself you can’t do this and quit mid-workout, or not going to a social event because you are scared you will seem dumb if you say something weird.  Usually when I start having the little mustard seed size bad thoughts I try to think of some amazing accomplishments and turn those negative thoughts to positive. So, when I start to get scared or afraid to do something I think of a time when I was brave enough to walk up to someone I didn’t know and introduce myself, when I feel like I can’t do something I think about how much strength I used to get me through the Spartan Beast, and when I think people think I am stupid I remind myself I graduated Nursing school, and if you know anything about nursing school, you’d know you have to be pretty smart just to pass with a C average.  Whenever I start getting that feeling of fear or doubt, weakness and failure, or stupid and silly, I tell myself that I am the opposite of those things. My tattoo is a daily reminder of that. “Promise me you’ll always remember…. you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – Winne the Pooh

My tattoo on my foot isn’t just words to me, it means something deeper.  It is there to represent my past and everything in my life that I go through.  It is also a daily reminder to never forget my roots and where I started. In fitness, especially during weight-loss, there are times when the tasks in front of you seem impossible and the journey looks like there is no end.   There are days when the weight seems too heavy. There are times when relationships won’t come easy. There are moments when you feel like it would be easier to just stop trying. Promise me though, that you’ll always remember that you are strong, and brave, and smart, and you can get through anything; so keep going.  Your journey awaits you!

-JBird

Playing Tug of War

Let’s talk about feelings. I HATE feelings. Never was good at them, but I will say I have become better about sharing them with others. Still, I struggle to understand them and figure out what to do with them. Lately I have not been doing a good job.

I know this because I just feel “off”. I am in a great position in life. I am, as other people say, “living the dream”. I don’t necessarily feel this way though. I am grateful for everything I have in life, which is why maybe I feel guilty for still feeling empty inside. I think I am just so used to burying down feelings and thoughts that I have been doing it without realizing it, and now I feel lost. I feel sad, empty, but also like I should be doing something more. There is still a slight hopefulness I feel, but it takes a while for me to find it.

For example, the past few days I got bit by the depression bug and was literally in bed ALL day. Literally, I slept for about 40hr out of the last 48. Only got up to urinate and eat food, then went back to bed. Do I know this is not right? Yes. But do I have the energy to figure out why I am doing this to myself? No. I know I want more in life and I have goals I set for myself- this is that hopefulness feeling. But it is so small sometimes, it isn’t enough to help pull me out of a funk. So here I lay in bed, in the dark, not taking texts or calls. I just sleep and eat.

I don’t cry anymore. I have literally tried! I can’t cry! Am I out of tears? Or have I held them back so many times that my body is trained to not cry? Is that even possible?? Again, is this right? No. Probably not. But what am I to do? This is that emptiness feeling I have constantly. Part of me feels like I have completely given up, but the other small part knows I can’t give up. I have a job to go to, I have family and friends who count on me, I have a full life to live and things to experience! It is very confusing for me! I feel strongly about accomplishing goals and making a better life for myself, but I also have very strong feelings about me just wanting to curl up in the fetal position and lay in the dark for several days without ever having to talk to a single soul. Its like tug of war in my head! And lately more often than not I let the darkness win.

Feelings. I don’t enjoy them. But they do mean something. Its a matter of digging in to that painful area to figure them out. That may mean sharing them with others hoping they don’t think I am completely insane. That may mean writing word vomit on these blogs to clear my head out. It may just mean having some Jesus time and spending my time with the Bible. I don’t know what the answer is! But I do know as I grow older I learn more and more about myself, how to deal with life situations, and how to navigate these feelings. Its a process and it doesn’t happen over night. I spent years avoiding them, and relearning to appreciate them is something I am not quite used to!

I guess that is pretty much it! I don’t know if that made any sense! But somehow it made me feel a little bit better! So thats all that matters! I hope everyone has a great weekend!

It Has Been a Year

It has been almost an entire year since I have posted on this blog. A lot has happened over the last year! I’d like to think I have been growing as a person, and I have been evolving in to the person whom I want to become. As with anything though, there has been ups and downs, and maybe some twists and turns along the way.

So, here we are, first blog post in about a year; what is it that I talk about? Well, I am going to talk about something that popped up for me the other day during my meditation hour. I was thinking long and hard about my path thus far, and how I have gotten to where I am currently. Why I am not further along on the timeline I had written for myself? You see, a few years ago, I started to come to the realization that the career I chose, nursing, isn’t really what I am passionate about. I had all these grand ideas of what I would rather do; something fitness related. I started all these new fitness certification programs, started hitting the gym extra hard, created a website for my new business idea, and then I just stopped.

I stopped everything. I stopped writing blogs, I stopped doing work for my certifications, I started putting weight back on… I just stopped dead in my tracks and started running backwards. So what was the turn of events that happened that made me do this? Was it fear of doing something new? Fear of stepping out of my comfort zone? Honestly, thinking about it now, I was scared because I felt, and sometimes still feel, that I can’t do that type of work. Because you see, in order for me to do that type of work, I have to step up to the plate and become that person. I am a dreamer. Always have been. My brain is just wired differently than other people. I see things and describe things that other people don’t see. I can dream about a different career with these big scenes and vision my self in a new light. I can genuinely see myself in the role of a fitness industry career. But dreaming about something is different than taking the action in order to live out that dream. In order to get the things I desire, I have to BECOME the person who I see.

Fortunately for me, I am self aware enough to know I don’t follow through on things. Ever since I was young; diets, workout plans, finishing school, hell, even craft projects or new hobbies! I always started, but never finished. Now, as an adult I do believe I have a slight case of ADHD which might be part of the problem! But there has to be a deeper reason behind it, right? Like, what is the real reason why I stop making progress and switch to a new goal, or dream, or hobby? If I am giving advice to friends I 100% tell them to take a leap of faith, take a risk, go for it. Whatever it may be, if it is going to make you grow as a person, and make you happy, why not do it? Why live with that regret when you can do something now? So why can’t I take my own advice? I NEVER take my own advice. You know how frustrating that is? That I am able to help those around me? Have deep heart to hearts with friends. Talk people out of self harm. Help people through periods of time when they feel absolutely worthless! But then when it comes time to help yourself its like an impossible task. After really trying to dig deep and think things through, I honestly believe I am missing self love.

Not loving myself enough to follow through on what I am dreaming of. Not enough self love to believe in myself. Not enough courage to be able to make my own decisions about my life without caring how others view me or care about their opinions. There are definitely some vivid memories as a kid growing up that knocked my self confidence/self esteem down a few pegs. I know this, I know that I lack in these areas. But, now I see that it is effecting my growth as a person; my ultimate happiness in life. That is not okay. And the only way to push past that wall, is to go back to those areas of pain and rewrite my story. Because as Tony Robbins says, “ change your story, change your life.”

So the question is now… how do I work on this? How do I work on loving myself? How does one learn to love themself again? How do I learn to stop running back to comfort and believe in myself enough to break down the walls in front of me? That is the only way to get anywhere in life. The most successful people in the world will tell you that! So that is my next chapter in my book. Working on myself, and not giving up on me. Learning to rebuild myself one piece at a time. With each piece I build, the stronger of a person I become. It is time to dig deeper than I have before. Going back to the very beginning and sorting through all of my life. Finding the stories I have made up in my head, changing the narratives around events that have happened that have made me weak, and overcoming old fears that have disabled my courage to become who I am supposed to be in this world.

Yes, it has been almost a year since I have written on this blog, but I am back! And I will be documenting this new part of my journey. More mindset trainings, digging deeper in to my past that I have tried to bury down, truly feeling that pain that I try to keep away from, and creating new possibilities for my future. I hope you follow along! I hope you can also relate to how I am feeling and share your perspectives about the topics as well! We are never alone! Lets get through this crazy thing called life together!

Taking me for Granted

We started off so casual. Simple hi’s and byes were fine. But then you hooked me with that smile and charm. Now suddenly I feel hooked and baited without even knowing how.

You generally seemed to care. You took the time to ask me about my day. You showed feelings deeper than Im used to. You shared a piece of you with me.

We laughed so hard together late into the night. You made me feel safe and secure even though I was alone in the dark.

But then it was revealed to me you had another side. Secrets were being kept from me. Suddenly our game of playful fun turned into hide n seek.

But now its too far gone for me and now Im just confused. I respect myself enough to say no to you, but my heart beats to a different tune.

I want so much to hate you. For me to leave you high and dry. But I’m already hooked and baited. And you made me care too much about you for me to stay mad for too long.

So what to do now seems impossible. As my heart feels like it might explode and my brain feels like complete mush. All I know for certain is you shouldn’t take me for granted because when I leave I can guarantee I’ll be missed.

Taking the Leap

Have you ever noticed that when you are trying to decide between two things your mind kind of freaks out, and you usually end up making the most comfortable decision? Like, your alarm goes off at 4am to go workout. You either 1. Stay in bed under the warm blankets and get an extra hour of sleep or 2. Get out of bed and go workout even though you don’t want to. If you let your mind think about it too long…… most likely you are staying in that bed, because thats what sounds more comforting. I have been noticing I do this ALL THE TIME, and in multiple areas of my life!

I don’t want to live that way anymore. Everyone always tells me the way to grow is by doing what’s uncomfortable, taking a leap of faith, choosing the hard stuff on purpose. So why do I consistently keep taking the easy way out? I have goals, dreams, big plans that I keep stewing up in my head, but Im still sitting here in my comfy spot and haven’t moved an inch towards what I want or at least think I want.

So what do I do?? I’m taking the leap. WITH EVERYTHING! I kid you not, I have put homemade signs randomly throughout my house as an hourly reminder to take a leap! I have been dancing on the edge of a cliff with a lot of things, and every time I think I am going to jump in to the water I pull myself back. With my schooling, my career, relationships, fitness, nutrition, you name it!! I’m tired of dancing on the edge, it isn’t getting me anywhere and it is getting pretty boring to be honest with you! So, I’m leaping over into unchartered waters. I want to see what I am missing out on! I am ready to face some new obstacles and sort through some new challenges that present themselves. I am ready to grow!

Taking the leap doesn’t have to be huge. It can be as simple as forcing yourself to wake up an hour earlier to get some extra work done or to make time for something. It could be taking the leap with nutrition and cutting soda out of your diet for the first time. It could be going back to school to get a higher degree ( I start next month!). It could be bigger like trying to change gears and focus on a different career, or taking the leap and finally proposing to the girl you have been dating for three years. It can be as little or as big as you want!! The important thing is that you get off of that damn cliff!

People say that taking a leap can change your life and let you experience the greater of all things. Regardless if that is true or not, it will help you grow as a person. If you leap and succeed, I mean hey it is a success. If you leap and you fail miserably, hey at least you tried, and I am sure you will have learned something valuable from it. So really you can’t lose! Fight the fear, overcome being uncomfortable, dream bigger than you ever dreamed before, and take the leap!! It’s time for some change!

Good anxiety vs Bad

It is no secret I struggle with anxiety! I must say over the years it has calmed down a bit. Actually, no that is untrue, it hasn’t so much calmed down; I am just wayyy better managing it now. I can feel it creeping in, I figure out where it is coming from, and I make a plan to minimize it or squash it down completely. Anxiety can manifest in different ways for different people and can be caused by different things for different people. Anxiety isn’t always bad either, it is your body’s way of protecting you from possible pain/ discomfort. It is almost like your body sensing danger. For example when you get too close to a hot stove your brain sends a signal to the body to produce pain in your fingertips so you move your hand away before getting burned. Its a warning…. like uhh hey if you don’t move your hand soon you are going to be in much more severe pain and probably in the ER. Your body is trying to protect you/ shield you from harm.

I am currently finding my self in situations causing some anxiety. Some of it I feel is because I am doing new things and change scares the crap out of me. I feel like I am going to mess things up or that I am going to get hurt in the end game. Anxiety that comes from a place like this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I am learning to be more vulnerable and opening myself up for more failures and heartbreak…. that is a bit scary to me… intimidating I guess. So boom… anxiety settles in.

Then there are other types of anxiety where it comes from a place of bad gut feelings. You know that type of feeling when you are watching a horror film, and the hero of the story line is about to walk into the mass murderer or is doing something stupid. The music gets all eery, the lighting gets dark, and you just know either something is going to jump out and scare you to death or you are about to see a big bloody scene. Anxiety of this kind could also be a warning sign. It could be the little pain in the fingertips before the third degree burns. The problem is how do I differentiate the good kind vs the bad gut feeling?

Fear of the unknown vs. fearing danger. Fear of pushing comfort zones vs. fear of losing yourself. Fear of squashing insecurities vs fear of ignoring the “do not enter” sign. For some, it may seem black and white, but for me the lines get blurred. Or, maybe the lines are perfectly crisp and concise, but I am choosing to believe they are blurred in order to avoid the facts.

Sometimes the going back and forth thinking about all of the anxiety, trying to determine if it is coming from a growth place or a danger warning, gives me more anxiety!! Sometimes I wish someone will just hold my hand and tell me when to push through certain feelings or when to pull your hand away from the stove, but life doesn’t work that way. Learning to make mistakes, feeling pain and heartache, making decisions from gut feelings, making decisions to do what is uncomfortable, its how we grow. It is how we learn and course correct along our paths. It is just part of life.

So how am I going to differentiate the situation I am in right now? Good anxiety vs bad anxiety?? Have I made up my mind yet? Have I found a chunk of wisdom deep down…. nope!! I honestly have no idea yet! I am still learning and stumbling along the way! Stay tuned for next weeks episode! Maybe there will be updates 🤨🤣

Always have your guard up

If you have ever been to an NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting, you know, that it starts the same exact way every single time. We all state the we version of the serenity prayer then we take turns reading from our NA guidebook. One of the pieces of reading is “who is an addict” and there is a sentence at the end that reads; “We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.

Continuing and progressive illness. I have read this passage multiple times aloud in the meeting, I have listened to it read by others a bunch of times too, and yet only recently did this single line jump out at me and slap me around a little bit. Made me really think about where I was, where I am, and give me clarity about my addiction.

Like most people, I went through a stage of denial and there was a lot of pushback towards those that were trying to help me. “I don’t need help”. “I am not that bad”. “ I can stop when I want to”. And the all famous, “ I don’t have a problem”. HA! Trust me if you feel you have to defend yourself and say any of these lines, chances are there is a problem there. Luckily for me I had/have a great support system and there were people in my life I entrusted to talk with about certain things and they aided me and guided me to go to NA for the first time. If it weren’t for them things in my life could definitely look a lot different, and not in a good way! I went to NA for a while, took time to reconnect with God, find myself again, meet others in my same situation, and I was fortunate enough to dig myself out of a hole without excessive damage.This month will make 365 days clean for me.

365 days, one whole year! I thought I was in the clear; I’ve been through the hard stuff and I am better now! Yet again here is that phrase “continuing and progressive illness”. A few weeks ago at work I had a rough couple of shifts. The type of shifts where if something could go wrong it did! I was physically and mentally exhausted, stressed, had been yelled at by Dr’s, held a dying women’s hand as she took her last breath, running around with pain medication every hour. Pain medication! All it took was a moment of weakness and all of these negative thoughts, crazy ideas, bad decisions flooded my head. One bad moment and one longggggg look at those pain medications in my pocket was all it took for me to be right back at the beginning of my journey.

To clarify: I did not take any drugs and am still clean. It was not easy to have those thoughts while looking at them. I had to argue with myself for a while, in-fact, multiple times that evening, but I am proud to say I fought off the demons that day. The crazy thing is, I didn’t even want to use the drugs. My initial thought after staring at those pain medications and acknowledging that I was having a shit day was that I should go out and buy a stash for home in case I needed it later to get high. In case I was in a bad mood one day. In case I needed to drown out my thoughts when I got home. When I started using drugs this is how it started, with “in case of” Situations. Then Eventually I had enough stocked and when I got into those really dark places, and was hiding in the dark with all the demons on my shoulder, it was there for the taking.

So, what was the point in me writing this? I have a point I promise. “Continuing and progressive illness”. I thought because I didn’t go through such a hard recovery and got my shit together right away that I don’t have addiction problems. I thought because I am almost a year clean that I was in the clear. HELL NO! Addiction is something I am always going to have. Whether it be to drugs, alcohol, food, fitness, etc. it is a disease that you constantly have to battle. It doesn’t care how little or how much you used. It doesn’t care about how much you have changed or worked on yourself; your mindset. It is continuous and progressive. It is something you constantly have to work on, fight against, and be constantly thinking about. I have to address my feelings and share with my support group when I am feeling attacked or have moments of weakness. I have to be aware of substituting one addiction for another and try to juggle to keep a balance.

I am proud of where I am and how far I have come. A year ago I sedated because I didn’t want to feel any kind of emotion and had no idea how to process a change in plans or an obstacle in the road. I have progressed with my mindset, my relationships, and my understanding of my addictions. That doesn’t mean the work is over for me though. I have to keep pushing forward and keep reaching for what is in the distance. Constantly shining light in my dark corners. Addiction may be continuous and progressive, but so am I!

Humans are like lightbulbs

I have been doing a lot of praying, meditation, reflecting, and reminiscing on my life lately. About the path I am on, where I want to go, who I have been choosing to spend my time with. Thinking about my past and the decisions I have made, the relationships I have kept or ended. This morning during my reflection time a strange thought kind of hit me. So here we are!

I believe people are similar to lightbulbs…. I know. What??? Just hear me out for a second though. Lightbulbs come in a variety of ways. Different shapes, colors, wattage, size, price, etc. All lightbulbs are unique in their own way… on the outside. Just like people! We are all different sizes, shapes, ethnicities, races, ages, etc., I think you get the point. Here is the good part: Lightbulbs may all be different and unique on the outside, but they have one thing in common on the inside… they all share an electrical current. They all have one connection of power, or energy, if you will, running through them. Without this power or connection of current they stay unlit and their true exterior design can’t even be seen. Lets think about a string of Christmas lights, one bulb dies and the whole string goes dark. If you have four lightbulbs in a lamp in order to brighten up a room and one breaks, you know, because the room instantly becomes darker. If you replace a few standard bulbs with some new energy saving ones with higher wattage, now all of a sudden you can see everything better and your room is way brighter. You think Im crazy?! Lets bring this back to my original point… humans are like lightbulbs.

Everybody goes through life with people. Family, friends, coworkers, the clerk at the grocery store, your neighbors, your church community. As you go through life your network of people starts to grow, and you need to think of yourself as the leader of the energy current running through each and every person. The energy has to start somewhere right? If we scale this back for simplicity lets just look at your close circle of people. This would be your family and friends or people you see or spend a majority of your time with. Now say for instance there is one of those people in your circle that is an energy sucker. They just constantly keep requiring extra energy and they just keep taking from you with no energy in return. What is going to happen? Well eventually that current is going to be going too much one way and now YOU, the energy giver, starts to lose some light and your bulb gets dimmer. Now, because your energy is strained some other people around you don’t get a full current so their light becomes dimmer too. Or maybe one of the bulbs in your circle breaks or a connection goes bad, and now you try to use all of your extra energy plus some to still keep the room nice and bright. In the process you exhaust yourself and eventually your current dies, and all thats left is the exterior bulb with nothing on the inside, you’re empty. Makes sense if you think about it right? Which had me thinking long and hard about the people I have in my close circle and the decisions I make with my energy.

Life isn’t easy… I think we have all figured that out by now… and if you haven’t yet, SURPRISE! One thing that is certain is that you need people in your circle, in your corner, to help you with the good, bad, and ugly. People will come and go, and sometimes you will learn that people aren’t a good fit for your circle. How do you decide?? Think about you glowing like a lightbulb. I want people in my circle that are going to help me glow brighter and really light up a room. If they need a bit of extra energy one day because they are having a hard time lighting to their full potential, I want them to return the favor to me when my current is lacking, because it will. We all have those days. I want people in my circle that won’t take power away from me, because I want to shine bright too. In order for me to shine to my fullest potential maybe it is time to replace some average bulbs with those new energy savers or higher wattage bulbs?

Relationships are hard, people are complicated, but I honestly believe you can’t do life with out them. You need people in your circle. You need each other to fill a room with light. You need eachothers’ current in order to stay alive on the inside. We are all beautiful people on the outside. All shapes, sizes, races, ethnicities, sexes, but without that one common current running through each and every one of us, which gives us light, can people even see our beautiful design? Humans are like lightbulbs. The people you choose to surround yourself with/connect with can either help you shine bright or dim your light.

I choose to have a circle of people who make me a better person. To show me how bright I can be. Who let me show off my exterior design. A circle of people that don’t take my power away from me. Who is in your circle of people? Are they helping you fill the room with light or is there a dark corner left unlit?

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