Self-Worthy?

Self Worth.  A tricky topic because it goes deep into yourself; a scary place for people to be.  Lately I have been doing some soul searching and trying to find a piece of me that I feel has been missing. I know I lack self worth, but I didn’t know how to fix that, well because, I didn’t truly understand what self worth was.  You see, I thought self worth was telling yourself you are worthy, telling yourself you are a badass, convincing yourself that you are pretty, etc. Turns out I don’t think that is where self worth comes from at all. To be honest, I still don’t fully understand, but I think I have a better handle on it now, so I thought I’d share some of my thoughts.

    First off, I have come to the realization that self worth isn’t something you can just automatically have.  It’s not like some people are born with it and others aren’t. It isn’t something you can just put together by reading self help books and watching TED talks. (seriously I tried that….it doesn’t work like that) It isn’t something someone can give you either. Here is the thing about self worth, it doesn’t come from the good others say about you, or how highly they think of you, how much people love you, or the things you try to convince yourself of.  The only thing that matters when it comes to self worth is what you tell yourself and see in yourself. I don’t care if you have millions of people who love you to the moon and back, and are always saying how great you are; if you don’t love yourself and don’t recognize the person you are becoming in life, then it doesn’t mean shit.

  Are you able to stand in front a mirror, alone, in a quiet room while listening to your own thoughts and looking straight at yourself in the eyes?  I don’t know about you guys, but that makes me cringe just thinking about it, ya know why? I already know that I can’t stand my own thoughts in my head and the anxiety it brings me.  That voice in my head hardly ever has anything nice to say, it is actually unbearable at times to tune in to what I am telling myself about myself. I hate that voice in my head and just try to keep it quiet.  When it gets real loud I get depressed, anxious, I feel like shit. I have used drugs in the past to try to sedate the feelings and quiet the voices. I used drugs because it gave me that little time to be in peace and quiet, the world paused ever so briefly, and time stood still.  It gave me that brief period of no commotion or chaos in my head, in my life. I went through drinking binges, eating binges, and sometimes even tried to mimic this numbing feeling with self harm. Anything I could do to not be alone with my own thoughts. Now does that sound like me earning self worth?  Hell no. It sounds like I was trying to get through life by avoiding all the scary stuff deep down. In fact, it made me think even less of myself. Having to go to Narcotics Anonymous, being a sloppy mess when I went out with my friends, trying to hide marks on my arms and legs; I hated what I was doing to myself, and the negative thoughts in my head got louder, and the vicious cycle continued.  These thoughts that are in your head, how you really feel about yourself, that is all that really matters when it comes to self worth. You can have all of the love in the entire world, but if you don’t even love yourself then you will never be happy. So how do you love yourself? How do you improve in having self worth? Well, I don’t know if there is really even an answer for that.

I will say this: I believe as humans created by God, we all have potential inside of us.  The great thing about potential, in my opinion, is that it is limitless. As long as you are willing to put in the work your potential will continue to be exponential.  I truly believe that if we stop living the lives we THINK we want, stop lying to ourselves about our happiness, stop being afraid of our comfort zones and our feelings, stop sticking to a career because of money instead of doing something we love, stop being fake on social media for followers but instead be real and raw, and then dig deep down in ourselves for our true potential, along the way we discover self worth.

There should be no second thoughts about failing, fear of the unknown, money, resources, dreaming too big, or what other people think about it. In order to earn self-worth, you’ll have to do whatever it is you need to do to get what you truly want, period.  You will earn self worth by being more determined than ever before, you are going to throw yourself into situations that scare the shit out of you, do things that are so far from your comfort zone you will be shocked that you did it, you will be constantly tapping into unused potential which then leads to more self growth. You will be growing as a person and giving yourself a sense of self; that sense of “feel good” on the inside that no one else can give you.  It is becoming the person you want to be, it is loving yourself for who you truly are and not pretending to be someone you’re not, it is about standing in front of a mirror alone with all of your thoughts and not cringing away, but looking straight back at the best version possible of yourself with confidence Don’t you owe yourself that much? To live a life worth living without regrets or dying and wish you would have done more? If any of this strikes a chord with you, if you’ve been feeling lost, you feel empty, you feel like no matter what you do it always feels like something is missing, I urge you to dig deep in to your soul and discover your potential, figure out what you need to do to get there, and for the first time maybe ever, take that first step to earn the self-worth you’ve been looking for. 

Thoughts from a Heavy Heart

As I am writing this I am struggling, because honestly I am so emotional right now I don’t even know where to begin or what I even want to talk about.  However, I feel a tug on my heart to share what I am currently experiencing, so hang in there with me for a moment as I try to sort through my thoughts

First off, let me just say, like I don’t mention it enough, but my Crossfit Box is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Not only the working out, but the whole community in general. The gym is my safe space, whether I am upset, angry, depressed, anxious, it doesn’t matter; it is the one space I feel like I can go to and be 100% myself without being judged.  Don’t even get me started on the people there. The friendships I have made through the gym are once in a lifetime and I have never felt more supported or loved in my entire life. Don’t get me wrong I have a wonderful loving family who definitely supports me, but the people at my gym give me something different in life; it is actually hard to describe, they are like a second family to me.  Coaching. I started coaching Crossfit classes, and coach a crossfit kids class as well. I am still learning, but damn, when I coach and when I see people working so hard on themselves to better their life, or even better, using a workout to help them get through a depression state or to cope with anxiety it warms my heart. They grow with confidence and self-esteem, and without them even knowing they are growing as an individual too.  I get the warm and fuzzies, and it makes me so happy to be there to watch their journey and maybe even a small part of it.  

Friends:  I have made mistakes, been through troubled water, been through joyous events, have had exciting opportunities, and every step of the way I have had amazing friends by my side.  I am truly grateful and blessed to have each and every one of them in my life, whether it be for a short period of time or for the long haul. Each and every one of them has made an imprint in my heart and in some way shape or form has changed my life, and has bettered me as an individual.  These are the people I turn to when things feel overwhelming, when I am heart broken, when I make mistakes and feel lost, when I am happy and proud, when I am excited, when I am thriving. We laugh together, cry together, root for one another, and the memories that come from each one of these moments are truly unforgettable.

Giving myself some gratitude:  Sometimes, it is hard to give yourself some credit in life.  LIFE IS HARD. You should be proud of yourself for getting through obstacles and achieving some goals.  Today, as I was reflecting on my life in the past few months I am grateful for everyone in my life who helped me through and was there for support, but I am also grateful I didn’t give up on myself.  I am proud of myself, and frankly I need to give myself more credit for the things I have accomplished versus hating myself for the mistakes I’ve made or the things I have yet to achieve. It is like my coach likes to say “Swingin Singles”.  Not every hit needs to be a home run, you just need a few base hits and eventually you will be bringing in the runners to home. 

If you were able to read this far I applaud you!  I didn’t really have anything specific in mind while trying to write this; I just was genuinely filled with emotions and had a heavy heart of gratitude.  Usually when I self reflect on my week I tend to pick out a few bad things and dwell on them, but today as I was self-reflecting I realized just how much goodness was in my life.  From the environments I am in, the people I love and hang out with, self-love and appreciation, my weightloss journey from the beginning till now, it all just makes me smile from ear to ear, and I wanted to share it with you all.  I guess my point from this writing is that I have definitley been in dark places before where I thought this joy and happiness I am experiencing now was never going to be an option. I never realized I had all of these wonderful things right in front of me the whole time; I only saw the darkness and refused to use my flashlight.  Life may seem hard and you may be in a spot where you feel like you are stuck or have no options and just want to quit. Hell no. You keep going, because I can speak from experience and tell you that you can and will get through it, and it is not all bad; you will feel whole again and see the light instead of darkness. Hang in there; it’s just another day.  

My Five Year Plan

This past week I have been doing a lot of self reflection and thinking about the past, present, and future.  Then today, while sitting in church, it hit me. I had a mini breakthrough and I easily became very emotional.  You see, I am turning 25 soon, and I know for a lot of people it is no big deal, but it is a big age for me. About five years ago I had made a five year plan;  a plan for where I wanted my life to be, what I wanted to have accomplished, and how my overall life would look. Honestly, if you look at my current life and then look at my visionary life I made up 5 years ago…… it wouldn’t even look similar;  I felt like such a failure.  

    Five years ago I probably would have said something along the lines of:  In five years I will be a pediatric nurse with a bachelor’s degree at my dream job in a children’s hospital, will be engaged or married and getting ready to have kids, I will have a house, a fancy car, take extravagant vacations every year, and I will be successful.  Now for those of you who know me…. I have none of those things. In my eyes I consider that failing. It is so easy for negative thoughts to then consume you and spiral out of control, and of course that is exactly what happened. I felt crappy, I felt hopeless, and I kind of saw my life as a waste.  I mean it is kind of hard not to think of all of these things as you are looking at your five year plan, and it has been five years and not one thing can be successfully checked off, it stings a bit.

    However, my breakthrough in church!  I don’t know if it was today’s message, or me self- reflecting on my five year journey, or the emotional music, but something clicked.  Yeah, maybe the last five years were not what I was expecting it to be, and the things I thought I wanted didn’t happen, but my life was not a waste and I am not a failure.  I have accomplished so many things in the past five years and my dreams and passions have also changed. The old five year plan just didn’t align with who I was actually becoming and growing to be.  In the last five years I have graduated nursing school with honors, become an aunt to my two amazing nephews, turned 21 and experimented a lot with drinking (those were some fun times), joined crossfit and lost about 65lbs, started my first nursing job and quickly become charge nurse, moved in to my first ever apartment, had oh so many memorable dates (mostly bad..haha), ran my first ever 15k as well as several Spartan races, started going to church, received my Crossfit Level 1 trainer certificate, received my first pediatric nursing job, battled through some addiction problems, bought a new car, built many new relationships with friends and family, decided to get certified in nutrition and personal training, went through injuries and financial struggles, decided to get baptized, coach crossfit in my spare time, and tomorrow I get to start a brand new job at a new hospital, and these are just a few of the highlights.  Does any of that sound like failing? No, to me it is just different. It is a different path than I originally planned and dreamed of, and what an experience to get where I am now.  

    I have a really hard time dealing with change and accepting that things aren’t always going to be how I picture.  This was a perfect example of that. Do I still want some of the things on that original five year plan, yeah for sure, but I believe when the time is right it will happen.  In these last five years, and especially the past two years, I feel I have grown and changed a lot about myself. I feel like I am just getting started with my five year plan because I have bigger and better dreams than before.  I want to start living more in the moment and focus on the here and now, and celebrate the little accomplishments and discoveries about myself along the way. You are not a failure if your life looks different than you had originally thought, it just means God had a different idea for your journey and changed the path you were on.  At least that is how I feel, because I sincerely think that the life I am currently living is 100% better than anything I could have hoped for five years ago. Having a five year plan is good; you get to write down your goals and dreams, and have something to reach for every day when you wake up. Then as the years go by you can adjust your plan to who are becoming or how things are changing.  That is what is so great about a plan… it isn’t concrete and can be adjusted. Who knows, maybe just like me your plan will change because your dreams and passions are bigger than before. Sounds like success to me, and just like that, a breakthrough. Don’t see yourself as a failure, but instead see all that you’ve accomplished and where there is room to grow. God always has a bigger and better plan for you, trust him.

“Magic” Fat Burners….NOPE

Let’s talk about weight-loss gimmicks.  This is one of those topics that really gets me fired up and all sassy!!  Before I dive in, I’d just like to make the disclaimer, this is just my opinion that comes from my experiences.  I am in no way trying to insult anyone or make anyone feel bad for using weight loss supplements. Since I was an overweight kid, and a girl at that, I definitely felt the body image pressure and have probably used every “fat loss” trick out there.  I used and abused fat loss pills, fat loss drinks, crash diets, body cleansers, metabolism boosters, fat burners, phentermine, fat loss shakes, etc, you name it, I took it. Here is my thing 1. Sellers make these “fat loss” supplements sound so realistic and too good to be true.  2. Most of these products will help you lose weight, but they are NOT sustainable. 3. The sellers of these products are smart and know exactly who to market to, which in my opinion, is breaking all kinds of moral codes

Too Good to be True:  If anyone has ever used a fat loss supplement or tried a fat loss diet, have you ever actually looked at what was in it or how it actually works?  For example, a big one always on the market, fat burners. Now, of course with advertisement, they make it seem like you can take a few fat burners a day and magically all of your fat will just melt away with a bit of exercise.  Now, don’t you think if it worked like that the U.S wouldn’t have an obesity epidemic on their hands? Exactly, the way a fat burner works is usually with an ingredient like caffiene, which helps give a little extra dose of energy to your body which then can slightly raise your heart rate and body heat production which assists fat loss.  When I said slightly, I literally mean like one degree. Now if you pair this fat burner with a proper diet and daily exercise, then yeah, you will lose the weight, but all the credit should go to your hard work, not the pill. Here is my other problem with these fat loss things; it makes it seem like you can continue your regular daily lives and this “magic pill” will take care of everything for you.  So, people continue their daily rituals of eating, hardly moving, and just keep popping these supplements. I know, because I was one of them! Without proper education and the feeling of hopelessness with your weightloss goals, it is easy to get wrapped up in a sales pitch and spend hundreds of dollars on these supplements. A lot of the “weightloss diet foods” we see being sold will help you lose weight, because they do put you in a caloric deficit, however a very unhealthy one, which leads me to my next point.

Sustainability:  Most people are aware that if you are in a caloric deficit, meaning you burn more calories than you consume, you will lose weight.  Some of the products or crash diets I have tried as a teenager did help me lose weight, but I was basically starving myself. There was this one thing I tried once, and it was basically these yummy meal replacement bars.  I got to eat one for breakfast, dinner, and one snack. For lunch I was able to eat real food, but it had to be mostly vegetables and some kind of lean meat. As a teenager I was in heaven; I pretty much got to eat a candy bar for most of my meals AND it helped me lose weight?? SCORE!  Well, it turns out it was not really what I was hoping for. I felt like crap all of the time, I was sore, tired, weak, and eventually it led me back to binge eating. Now that I am older I realized I was only eating about 900-1100 calories/day. That is most definitely not enough food to eat, especially as a growing teenager; I was starving.  A lot of the new shake systems or crash diets nowadays do the same thing. They will get you results, because you stay in a deficit, but it is not healthy and in no way sustainable. As someone who has struggled with weight loss I can tell you mindset plays a huge role with your obesity and your relationship with food. These diets will not fix that relationship, they will cover it up.  So guess what happens when someone who loses 50lbs from this “great” system switches back over to real life? If you guessed that they usually gain their weight back, you guessed right.  

Marketing:  THIS GUTS ME.  As a teenager and even young adult trying to figure out how to gain my life back and lose weight, I felt hopeless and drained.  Nothing I did would stick, the weight always came back plus some, and I still had an unhealthy relationship with food. I was always desperate to try something new.  Now, a lot of you reading this, who may not have been in this stuation before may think that us overweight people are looking for an easy way out, or that we aren’t truly trying, or maybe even that we want to be fat.  These are all things I have had said to me personally. In reality, I hated being fat, but I wasn’t educated properly. I mean sure I knew HOW to eat healthy, but I didn’t know HOW to change my unhealthy habits permanently.  These people, the desparate, hopeless ones, these are the people that marketers go after. The young teenagers who hate themselves because they are bullied for their weight, the super tired moms who give everything to everyone around them but neglect self care and have no time to help themselves, and even the morbidly obese people who really want to change but have no support system and don’t believe in themselves enough to make the leap.  The marketers make sure to hit everyone of these people by making it seem effortless and easy to “fit” into their day. Just take this pill twice a day and look like Sheila who just lost 65lbs. You can look like 50year old Bob who has been drinking these shakes for two months and now has a six pack. These people beliveve that this product could be their chance to change and lose weight, look better, feel stronger. They have exhausted so many other options and they hear these wonderful stories that they only dream about in their heads happening to them.  Now, again, I am not here to bash on anyone, but remembering my experiences when I opened a new box to my new product that was going to make me skinny, then weeks later hating myself because it didn’t work and I was still fat. Man, that stings. I have been there, done it, and never wish that gutted feeling on anyone. These are people’s lives that these sellers are going after, and I don’t know how someone can do that to someone without feeling bad about it.  

I just wish that these supplement companies would be more honest about what their selling and how they actually work.  I am sure that some of these products really could help aid people in losing weight, but they aren’t magic like they portray.  You still have to fix your mindset about food, work hard with eating properly, and bust your butt in the gym to get real results.  I hope that people who read this will think about those weightloss influencers on instagram and Facebook that promote these supplements and magic pills, because I guarantee that is not the only thing they did to lose those 50lbs.  I hope anyone who reads this and sells these products really thinks about HOW they are choosing to portray these products and WHO they are trying to convince to take them. If not any of those things, then I atleast hope you do some research and find out exactly what is in the supplements you want to take and how it is really going to affect your body.  After all, we only get one, we need to take care of it well. I hope everyone has a great rest of their week, and always remember, stay strong, stay motivated, keep your head up, you can and will do whatever you set your mind to.   

Super Bowl Food Tips

Super Bowl weekend is upon us!!  For most people that means……. FOOOOOD.

Besides Thanksgiving, Superbowl weekend, according to research, is the day of the year people eat the most food.  Let me throw out some numbers for you…. On Super Bowl Sunday in the United States roughly 28million pounds of chips will be consumed, 8million pounds of guacamole will be ingested, and a whopping 1.25 BILLION chicken wings will be eaten.  Not to mention all of the dips and junk food plus the liquor that goes along with it. That is crazy!! Now, for people trying to lose weight or watch their nutrition, Super Bowl Sunday can be a living nightmare. I believe that we should enjoy our weight loss journeys and not have to restrict ourselves too much, so I put together some tips for eating during the SuperBowl.  This way you can still eat pretty clean without missing out on too much fun.

1. Chicken Wings:  If you are a guest and someone will be bringing wings to the party, a good idea would be to ask if they could order a few wings without sauce.  This will save you on calories and all of the fat in those wing sauces. Or, even better, bring your own naked wings, and instead of deep frying them, bake them.  This way you can still enjoy eating wings with your friends, but in a healthier way.

2. Bring a dish to share:  If you are going to a party or even better hosting, make sure you whip something up that you know you will be “safe to eat”.  For example, homemade hummus, dip with greek yogurt instead of sourcream, maybe some sweet potato skins instead of regular potatoes, a veggie tray is always good too.

3. Chips:  Avoid the chips.  If you just have to have your guacamole or salsa, maybe bring a healthier version of chips.  A lot of the stores these days have cauliflower chips, low sodium chips, low carb tortilla chips.  Not only do you want to avoid the extra carbs and fat, but chips are loaded with sodium and are not ideal for someone watching their weight.

4. Alcohol:  If you want to throw down with the guys or have fun with your friends drinking go ahead, but try to limit what you consume.  Alcohol not only has carbs, but can also lead to you binging when you start drinking too much. They have so many different kinds of low calorie options now like Tuly’s, White Claws, Low-cal beer, etc.  If you want to avoid alcohol altogether, great! To avoid a million questions or feeling left out try drinking out of a solo cup so you don’t feel excluded in the festivities.

5. Workout:  If you can, try to get a small sweat session in during the day; it is better than not burning any calories at all and will ease your mind while enjoying your favorite foods.

6. Eat off the plate:  Enjoy yourself!  Go ahead and have some plates of appetizers and food.  Just make a game plan ahead of time. If I say ok, I am going to limit myself to three plates of food, then stick with it.  Maybe on the first plate you try a small bit of everything. Then when you go back for the second plate, be sure to ONLY get the food you truly enjoy and want seconds of, limit yourself, but still indulge in some goodies.  Whatever you do, don’t eat food off the table; when people do this they eat more than intended and easily go overboard in the amount of calories consumed, so put all food on your plate! Also, be sure to throw some veggies in there and make sure to get protein in.

7. Protein:  Be sure to hit your protein numbers.  If that means having a few protein shakes before the party, then that’s what you need to do.  On that note, also try to limit carbs and fat before the big game, so you can save your calories or macronutrients for the delicious food or drinks instead.

8. Don’t go hungry:  Try to have a protein shake or some light healthy food before the game.  When our bodies see food when we are hungry, we tend to get crazy with all the food right before our eyes.  If we aren’t hungry at the game, then chances are we will be more selective about the quality and quantity of the foods we eat.  

That is pretty much all I have.  It is nothing too crazy, but these tips are effective.  Like I said, whether you are on a weightloss journey or are counting macronutrients, food should still be enjoyable.  It is ok to enjoy the holidays or events like the Super Bowl once in a while; you just have to be smart about it. I hope some of these tips help you out and I hope everyone has a great Super Bowl weekend!

Battling the Mind

This week has been hard….. And it is only Wednesday.  The week has been good, full of good news, and there hasn’t been any particular thing that has brought me down… except my mind.  Emotionally I am a wreck; I have been arguing with myself just to crawl out of bed in the morning, can’t stay focused on my nutrition, have been avoiding all of my responsibilities, have been sleeping pretty much most of the day, etc.  It is just one of those weeks where I really have to pull myself out of the weeds. When I get in these phases it is hard for others to understand; nothing anyone says can help me to feel better, it is just something I have to fight through my self.  

I think this week it has a lot to do with all of the changes going on.  Like I said, it has been a fairly good week, and I have actually been happy with myself and how life is going.  Sometimes, when things get too good, I start self-sabotaging myself. It is almost like things are too good to be true and I have to have something go wrong for things to be balanced.  I know it sounds stupid, but that is just how it feels. My nutrition has been great and I have been losing fat, so why not ruin that with binging, just so I can complain when I don’t lose weight this week.  Or, things are great with my jobs holding my position for me due to an injury, but let’s just try to sabotage that by not turning in important paperwork to my boss. Even better, my knee is feeling great, how about I do something stupid and try to do some lifting, knowing that I could make one wrong move and make the injury ten times worse.  My favorite though, picking stupid things to fixate on, blowing them out of proportion, and then giving my self an anxiety attack.  

When I get to this point, or when I am feeling like I am spiraling out of control, there are a few things that tend to help calm me down: 1. Journal about it or vent to somebody- sometimes, just getting the thoughts out of your head helps you find clarity in the situation, and will help you pinpoint the true problem.  2.  Listen to some music.  Whatever music is going to calm you down and get you in the zone.  My go-to is usually country or christian music. (Sometimes I specifically look for sad music and just cry it out)  I am not the best at sharing feelings so sometimes crying it out is what I need so I don’t bottle things up. 3. Once your mind is clear look at the root of the problem and try your best to address it. I struggle with this, because half the time I end up trying to ignore the problem, but that only leads to more problems and some ramped up anxiety issues.  I have found what works best is to just attack the issue head on and piece by piece. 

Battling with your mind is not an easy task and can be daunting and destructive.  I just wanted to share what has been going on this week for me, because it is very real and something that happens often.  When I have weeks like this, it usually isn’t a one day thing, it is a week, sometimes two week battle. I am a lot better handling it now than I used to be, but it takes a lot out of you.  “Staying positive” is a bunch of crap and I am not going to pretend like that is what I tell myself, because that is the last thought on my mind when I feel like this. The only thought in my mind is usually to “just survive this”.  The only way for me to get past this rough patch is to feel the emotional storm brewing and just let it hit me, try my best to not get derailed from my goal path, and then let it pass. I will say though, I try my hardest to not give up;  I force myself to get up and move, even if it is just to go to the bathroom or walk outside to get the mail. I force myself to feel the emotions and maybe cry myself to sleep. I make myself go to the gym and do something, whether it is half-assed or not; it is better than doing nothing at all.  I try hard to avoid using any kind of sedatives(alcohol, drugs, food). In my opinion, and experience, the worst thing you can do is just give up, because then you associate yourself as a failure, and that is a slippery slope to the bottom of a hole you just dug yourself. Just try to have faith that everything will be ok and just keep praying; that is what I am trying my best to do, and honestly sharing this with you all is helping me relax a bit.  Remember, you are never alone in how you are feeling. Keep fighting day in and day out. This too shall pass.

The People Around You

“You are only going to be as good as the people you surround yourself with”

Go back and read that again please….. Ok now think about that for a minute.  This is a quote I definitely have heard before, and time and time again, I definitely put on the back burner.  Recently, in my life, I have been going through a lot of changes. Changes about how I view myself, changes in my career choices, changes in my lifestyle choices, changes in how I choose to follow Christ, and changes about who I spend my time with.  I never realized how much people affected your life, until I started changing who I associated my time with. Believe it or not, even from when we are kids in preschool, every single person we associate with in life can have an impact on our life. These impacts don’t have to be huge, it can be as simple as a stranger saying hi and smiling to you at the grocery store, or maybe in grade school a friend let you borrow their favorite lucky pencil for a big test day.  Maybe because of that stranger saying hi, there is a young kid who decides to not cut themselves today, and maybe because of that generosity of the lucky pencil you grow up and decide to be a humanitarian. This may seem like an exaggeration, but these things have actually happened to people. Every person surrounding you in life can make an impact on your life. Scary  

So now I want you to think about the people you hang around with, that are your support system, your friends, family, co-workers; also think about your goals, dreams, desires.  Do they help you towards your targets or are they dragging you further away? Maybe, they aren’t doing either, you are just stagnant. Like I said previously, I have changed a lot about who I spend my time with, and only then did I realize how stagnant I was being in life.  My goals weren’t being met, my targets weren’t coming any nearer, my mindset was all off and my anxiety was at an all time high. The way my lifestyle was going I felt trapped and confused, constantly worrying about fitting in with certain crowds. This is not what I wanted out of life or how I wanted to handle my average day to day.  This was in no way the fault of the people surrounding me; this was me making my own decisions, choosing the actions I took, and I am solely responsible for the outcomes, but I will say that the people surrounding me affected how I made certain decisions or choices.

The people I spend most of my time with now, are affecting my life in a more purposeful way.  I have been working out with more determination, being more aware of my mindset, overcoming some uncomfortable shit, diving deeper in to my faith, making the most with my time available, and overall I feel happier and on track with where I want to be in the future.  I am making decisions to go to bed early because I know it will be beneficial for my health, wake up early so I have time to get things done, be sure to schedule my Jesus time every day so I can grow in my faith, I am staying on track with nutrition and constantly being inspired by those around me, and I don’t feel the need to suppress or sedate my feelings because I feel more comfortable sharing them.  I don’t feel like I have to act a certain way depending on who I am with, I don’t have to worry or be anxious about saying something weird or out of the “norm”, and I know that the people I have in my corner will certainly hit me with some hard love if they see me slippin or doing something that doesn’t align with what I am working towards. I can just be myself, take off the mask I was hiding behind before, and be who I truly am and not have to act to “fit in”.  THAT is what I mean when I say people can affect and have an impact on your life.  

In order to succeed in anything you need a strong support system and you need the people surrounding you to be making you better.  You need to find people who make you feel like the best and most authentic version of yourself . This is definitely not an easy task, and there will come a time when some people who were once that person are no longer, and you have to muster up the courage to let them go.  I am not going to lie, I struggle with this one, but I have been working on my courage to do so, and it definitely pays off to have peace with the parting. At the end of the day this is my life, my dreams, my goals, my success that I am trying to build. If you have people you associate with who aren’t helping you get closer to these things then you need to put distance between yourself and them. Think again about the people you surround yourself with.  Are they successful, hardworking, dreamers, visionaries, strong, capable, vulnerable, patient, respectful, confident, faithful, wise, honest, willing? 

“You are only as good as the people you surround yourself with”

How to Stop Binging

For some reason all week long I kept finding myself in conversations about mental illness and eating disorders, so I felt God tugging on my heart to share some insight about it from my perspective.  First of all, I’d like to start by saying mental illness  seems like a scary word to most people, myself included, and I think people think it is scary because society portrays it to be.  Having a mental illness does not make you any less of a person, does not make you crazy, and there are more people than you think that have a mental illness, but either are too scared to open up about it or don’t even realize they are struggling with one.  I myself have been through eating disorders, anxiety, and depression. I could go on and on about mental health, but today I am just going to focus on one topic that has probably been my biggest struggle; eating disorders.

This week I was having a conversation with a close friend about binge eating (also let me point out the friend I was having this conversation with, you would definitely not peg as a binge eater.)  I guess that is another point to bring up though, you can’t LOOK like a certain disorder or place people in a certain category.  Everyone goes through their own eternal battles and a lot of the times don’t show it from the outside, they silently struggle from within.  Anyways, we were talking about binge eating and sharing stories from our past. Binge eating is a nasty cycle that people are in. I know when I binged it was hard to break the cycle because you binged, felt bad about it and then felt so ashamed you binged more, then you got on an anorexia kick and starved yourself, then you starve yourself so much you finally crack and eat everything in sight by the end of the week.  For some people it seems silly and hard to understand. “Just don’t eat so much”, “eat slower”, “just stop when you’re full”. I wish it was that simple, but people who are binging or are dealing with any sort of eating disorder are often dealing with things deeper than just eating. For me, binging was a result of my anxiety outbursts or depression states. I made food my comfort and utilized it for everything. I am not good at dealing with my feelings, and easily become very overwhelmed and overthink everything.  I suppressed my feelings down and tried to ignore them and the only way I knew how to cope with that was with food. Whether I was happy, mad, disappointed, nervous, excited, etc, I would use food. The thing about binge eating, is you eat whether you are full or not. I cannot even tell you how many times I would eat until I got sick. It is embarrassing to admit, but also very real and is something I had to struggle through. 

I am no professional and I am in no way trying to give out false information, but in MY OPINION, I strongly believe that eating disorders are a mental illness, and at least for me, they usually stem from deeper issues.  Over the years, especially after starting CrossFit, and got a mindset coach, I have learned a lot about myself and how to deal with my mental health. There are three main points I want to share that have helped me start to break the cycle of binge eating and hopefully can help someone else too.

Know your triggers– I was told by my coach whenever I felt the need to binge eat or started to feel out of control I should journal how I was feeling at the moment.  This was not ideal for me because I am NOT good with emotions. However, after doing it each time it became easier each time, and also more beneficial.  From writing down how I truly felt it helped me surface my emotions and made them easier to confront, but also helped me find my triggers. One of my big triggers is isolation.  When I am alone with my own thoughts things can get pretty hectic. My brain starts to work in overdrive and every bad thought I could possibly think of decides to make an appearance.  Before, I would easily get wound up in the chaos and the only way I knew how to stop the thoughts were to get comfort food; now I am aware of my trigger so instead of getting overwhelmed I sift through all of my emotions and journal.  Most of the time once I finish journaling I can calm myself down and no longer need the comfort foods. Finding out your triggers can help you stay proactive and have a plan so you are not always on the defensive side of things which makes things feel a little less overwhelming and chaotic.

Follow a Food Plan – This step is something I have learned that helps a lot, but you have to be willing to try something out of your comfort zone and also make a full commitment.  If you say you will do it, but then only follow the plan half the time, you probably won’t see the best results. (with that being said, if you fail, get up and try again; failing is better than doing nothing; regroup and keep trying)  For me, my food plan is counting macronutrients (will be more posts about this in the future).  Currently I am eating more calories than I have in a long time (because I am actually eating enough for my body to function properly) and it has helped so much with my desire to not binge eat.  It keeps me full and satisfied and I eat so frequently that I don’t even crave the urge to eat any extra.  Being able to try and hit a target each day and get a check mark for hitting each macronutrient and total calories gives me satisfaction, and I feel good about myself.  Most importantly, it helps me control my eating habits while still feeling like I am not too restricted with what I can have, hence me not binging.

 YOU ARE NOT ALONE- As I previously mentioned above, I was talking about binge eating to a friend that I would never suspect would binge eat.  People tend to keep their mental health issues a secret and even feel ashamed by them. I am still uncomfortable sharing my personal life with the world, but here I am trying; why? Because I think it is important to spread awareness and let people know they aren’t alone.  You aren’t crazy, you are not the only one who feels the way you do, and more than likely there is someone in your life who struggles the same way you do. When I had this conversation with my friend I felt relieved and I felt better knowing that I was not the only one who struggled with binge eating.  I wasn’t the only one who used food to suppress their feelings. I wasn’t the only one that would hide from friends or family and eat until I got sick. I wasn’t the only one that felt self-conscious when going out to eat with other people, because you always finished your plate while the others only finished half.  It felt good to know that I wasn’t alone. We are never alone and we don’t have to hide who we really are or how we really feel. The sooner you recognize you aren’t the only one dealing with hard shit, the sooner you can learn to cope with things differently and not have to use food to do it. So shed some light in the darkness, talk about your mental health with others, it may surprise you how many people are going through the same things.  Help each other get through the rough patches; I am never alone, you are never alone, we are never alone.

Tips to a Successful Week

Sunday fun day! Lazy Sunday!  Aw no, tomorrow is Monday! How about, Yay! Strategize Sunday!  I think it could catch on? For most people, I know Sundays are their days to relax, clean the house, or wear pajamas all day and binge watch Netflix. (I may or may not have done this a few times….)

Sundays are also the day before the start of the week.  This is the day where you need to sit down to get yourself prepared for the week;  I have found that it is the key way to stay successful and on track with your ultimate goals.  Life happens and plans get derailed, but if you have a game plan ahead of time when something goes awry, it turns into a problem solving task rather than a chaotic end of the world crisis.  So two simple tips to make the most out of your Sunday in order to crush life:

1.  Meal Prep:  Meal prepping is a very important step in the process to ensure you are allowing yourself a chance to keep your nutrition on point.  Cook in bulk and make lunches, dinners, and especially some healthy on – the – go snacks. Again, life happens, so if you are in a time jam or something unexpectedly comes up you can grab one of your premade meals or snacks instead of running through the drive-thru.  This isn’t only helping you stay on track with nutrition, but also saving money… it’s a win-win. The trick for meal prepping is to find some dishes you love that you can make in bulk. For example a big one for me is Chicken- Rice bowls. I make a pound of chicken, a whole instant pot full of rice, and cook up some broccoli.  Now I have easily four meals and it literally only takes about 30 minutes of my time. If you need help with recipes check out my recipe page and food gallery! I’ll be posting new recipes weekly to help you guys out!

2. Weekly Goals:   Most often, successful people have a plan or outline of what they want, and the steps they need to take to achieve it.  Every Sunday should be like a goal session. Get out a pen and pad of paper and write down all the things you need and want to get done.  Then, order them in a list from top priority to optional. Although it is important to have goals, having too much on your plate can get messy and make you feel overwhelmed, so prioritize the needs and leave the wants optional.  Once you have your goals set up for the week now it is time to strategize and plan. For example, maybe one of your goals is to hit your macronutrient numbers 5/7 days. So how are you going to ensure you hit this goal? Meal Prep!  Maybe your goal is to spend more time with your kids or play a game with them before bed. Well maybe for you that means you have to go in to work early one day so you can leave at an earlier time, and be home for family dinner. There are only so many hours in the day, so in order to achieve our goals and get what we want out of life we have to have good intentions every single day.  Therefore, by making a goal list, prioritizing the goals, and strategizing a plan to take action, we can be more successful and be less stressed than trying to do things on the fly.  

There you have it! Two simple tips to help you set yourself up for a successful week ahead!  It really doesn’t take much time so you can still relax and binge watch Netflix in your pajamas if you so choose! (I definitely do)  Keep an eye out for more of my posts on tips for how to be successful!  I have plenty more to come!

Never Forget Your Journey

Promise me you’ll always remember….  This is the tattoo I have on my foot, and it is a good reminder to never forget my journey, and to never give up, especially when I’m having one of those days.  You know those days where you feel like you are not good enough, you feel like a failure, you feel sad and lonely. We are all human and we all have those days, and that is okay.  Sometimes we just need a reminder that we can get through the day or the week or the month as long as we don’t give up. I use my tattoo as one of the ways to snap myself back to reality.  To me, promise me you’ll always remember…  has two meanings and I’d like to share them with you.  

Meaning Number One:  Promise me you’ll always remember refers to my weightloss journey and how far I have come, even on the days I feel like I haven’t made any progress at all.  My weightloss journey didn’t just start three years ago; I have struggled with my weight all of my life, was bullied a lot for being overweight, have felt self-conscious and unflattering, and have done many stupid things to try and lose weight in an unhealthy way ( I didn’t know how stupid and dangerous the stuff was at the time).  I struggled with binge eating, and would literally eat and eat and eat until I would make myself sick, I would go get fast food whenever I was feeling emotional (either good or bad) and sit in the car in an empty parking lot and eat it all so there was no left over evidence for my family to find, and I would snack on Cheetos (my favorite) in the middle of night while watching T.V on my phone and hoping my family wouldn’t wake up from the crinkling sound the bag was making as the bag grew emptier and emptier.  I also struggled with dieting and trying to make myself skinny. The endless amount of fad/crash diets I have tried is embarrassing; one of the worst was juicing, and all I had to eat, technically drink, every day were cups of vegetable juice with lemon and cayenne pepper to help burn the fat away, and I felt miserable. I have tried so many fat loss pills, went to weightloss clinics and got phentermine, tried to skip meals while still working out twice a day. I remember one time in high school I was trying to fit into my prom dress so for a week straight I skipped breakfast, had like 6 baby carrots for lunch, and barely ate any dinner (I had to eat something or else my family would notice).  I fit better in my prom dress though, so at the time I thought it was worth it.

Three years ago when I started CrossFit, things started changing.  I was eating better, I still struggle, but it is way better than it was.  I worked hard at the gym and tried my best to focus on bettering myself. My mindset started to change and I started feeling powerful and good about myself for once; I felt proud of new accomplishments.  I started taking weekly progress photos ( I highly recommend this for anyone on a fitness journey!) and eventually I started posting them on social media, which scared the crap out of me, but I wanted to start doing things that challenged my psyche.  Although things seem better, which they are, bad days are still bound to happen. In fact the other day I was having an awful day mentally and I just felt disgusted with myself, and how I looked.  I knew I had put on some weight again, and I was just starting to feel like I used to. I just happened to look for something in my closet that day when I found a bag of old clothes I kept from when I first started working out (also highly recommend doing).  I couldn’t believe the clothes even used to fit, I mean really, some of those shirts I could fit two of me in now.  Then I was feeling nostalgic and started looking at some old videos of me working out and lifting and man did I suck!  I could hardly even do a sit up and barely a pushup from my knees whereas now I can knock out a set of 20 easily and do real push-ups.  

Sometimes because things change so much, you forget where you once started, but I never want to forget where I came from and everything I went through, because it taught me so much about who I am.  So to me, promise me you’ll always remember… means to remember how you used to feel when you stuffed your face with a whole bag of cheetos, how you felt when you ate till you were vomiting, how you felt when you starved yourself to the point where you were so tired and weak it was hard to function, how you felt when you couldn’t even hang on the pullup bar because you couldn’t hold your own weight up, that fat loss pills don’t work but hard work and dedication do, to love yourself inside and out, and to always remember where you started and how far you’ve come.

 Meaning Number Two:  The beginning of one of my favorite quotes.  Weight-loss is most definitely a physical journey, but mindset plays a huge role too.  In fact, without a good mindset it really doesn’t matter how great you look because you never truly believe it.  For instance if you want to lose weight because you want to be skinny, that’s great, but if every time you look in the mirror and you tell yourself you’re fat, you will come to find that skinny is never skinny enough.  Our brains are a beautiful thing, but man can they really screw you over. One little small mustard seed size of a bad thought can easily spiral out of control and now you are in a mental breakdown, and it’s usually yourself you are tearing down in the process.  It could be right before you try to do something very uncomfortable like be vulnerable and open up to someone you are dating, or you telling yourself you can’t do this and quit mid-workout, or not going to a social event because you are scared you will seem dumb if you say something weird.  Usually when I start having the little mustard seed size bad thoughts I try to think of some amazing accomplishments and turn those negative thoughts to positive. So, when I start to get scared or afraid to do something I think of a time when I was brave enough to walk up to someone I didn’t know and introduce myself, when I feel like I can’t do something I think about how much strength I used to get me through the Spartan Beast, and when I think people think I am stupid I remind myself I graduated Nursing school, and if you know anything about nursing school, you’d know you have to be pretty smart just to pass with a C average.  Whenever I start getting that feeling of fear or doubt, weakness and failure, or stupid and silly, I tell myself that I am the opposite of those things. My tattoo is a daily reminder of that. “Promise me you’ll always remember…. you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – Winne the Pooh

My tattoo on my foot isn’t just words to me, it means something deeper.  It is there to represent my past and everything in my life that I go through.  It is also a daily reminder to never forget my roots and where I started. In fitness, especially during weight-loss, there are times when the tasks in front of you seem impossible and the journey looks like there is no end.   There are days when the weight seems too heavy. There are times when relationships won’t come easy. There are moments when you feel like it would be easier to just stop trying. Promise me though, that you’ll always remember that you are strong, and brave, and smart, and you can get through anything; so keep going.  Your journey awaits you!

-JBird

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