Battling the Mind

This week has been hard….. And it is only Wednesday.  The week has been good, full of good news, and there hasn’t been any particular thing that has brought me down… except my mind.  Emotionally I am a wreck; I have been arguing with myself just to crawl out of bed in the morning, can’t stay focused on my nutrition, have been avoiding all of my responsibilities, have been sleeping pretty much most of the day, etc.  It is just one of those weeks where I really have to pull myself out of the weeds. When I get in these phases it is hard for others to understand; nothing anyone says can help me to feel better, it is just something I have to fight through my self.  

I think this week it has a lot to do with all of the changes going on.  Like I said, it has been a fairly good week, and I have actually been happy with myself and how life is going.  Sometimes, when things get too good, I start self-sabotaging myself. It is almost like things are too good to be true and I have to have something go wrong for things to be balanced.  I know it sounds stupid, but that is just how it feels. My nutrition has been great and I have been losing fat, so why not ruin that with binging, just so I can complain when I don’t lose weight this week.  Or, things are great with my jobs holding my position for me due to an injury, but let’s just try to sabotage that by not turning in important paperwork to my boss. Even better, my knee is feeling great, how about I do something stupid and try to do some lifting, knowing that I could make one wrong move and make the injury ten times worse.  My favorite though, picking stupid things to fixate on, blowing them out of proportion, and then giving my self an anxiety attack.  

When I get to this point, or when I am feeling like I am spiraling out of control, there are a few things that tend to help calm me down: 1. Journal about it or vent to somebody- sometimes, just getting the thoughts out of your head helps you find clarity in the situation, and will help you pinpoint the true problem.  2.  Listen to some music.  Whatever music is going to calm you down and get you in the zone.  My go-to is usually country or christian music. (Sometimes I specifically look for sad music and just cry it out)  I am not the best at sharing feelings so sometimes crying it out is what I need so I don’t bottle things up. 3. Once your mind is clear look at the root of the problem and try your best to address it. I struggle with this, because half the time I end up trying to ignore the problem, but that only leads to more problems and some ramped up anxiety issues.  I have found what works best is to just attack the issue head on and piece by piece. 

Battling with your mind is not an easy task and can be daunting and destructive.  I just wanted to share what has been going on this week for me, because it is very real and something that happens often.  When I have weeks like this, it usually isn’t a one day thing, it is a week, sometimes two week battle. I am a lot better handling it now than I used to be, but it takes a lot out of you.  “Staying positive” is a bunch of crap and I am not going to pretend like that is what I tell myself, because that is the last thought on my mind when I feel like this. The only thought in my mind is usually to “just survive this”.  The only way for me to get past this rough patch is to feel the emotional storm brewing and just let it hit me, try my best to not get derailed from my goal path, and then let it pass. I will say though, I try my hardest to not give up;  I force myself to get up and move, even if it is just to go to the bathroom or walk outside to get the mail. I force myself to feel the emotions and maybe cry myself to sleep. I make myself go to the gym and do something, whether it is half-assed or not; it is better than doing nothing at all.  I try hard to avoid using any kind of sedatives(alcohol, drugs, food). In my opinion, and experience, the worst thing you can do is just give up, because then you associate yourself as a failure, and that is a slippery slope to the bottom of a hole you just dug yourself. Just try to have faith that everything will be ok and just keep praying; that is what I am trying my best to do, and honestly sharing this with you all is helping me relax a bit.  Remember, you are never alone in how you are feeling. Keep fighting day in and day out. This too shall pass.