Always have your guard up

If you have ever been to an NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting, you know, that it starts the same exact way every single time. We all state the we version of the serenity prayer then we take turns reading from our NA guidebook. One of the pieces of reading is “who is an addict” and there is a sentence at the end that reads; “We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.

Continuing and progressive illness. I have read this passage multiple times aloud in the meeting, I have listened to it read by others a bunch of times too, and yet only recently did this single line jump out at me and slap me around a little bit. Made me really think about where I was, where I am, and give me clarity about my addiction.

Like most people, I went through a stage of denial and there was a lot of pushback towards those that were trying to help me. “I don’t need help”. “I am not that bad”. “ I can stop when I want to”. And the all famous, “ I don’t have a problem”. HA! Trust me if you feel you have to defend yourself and say any of these lines, chances are there is a problem there. Luckily for me I had/have a great support system and there were people in my life I entrusted to talk with about certain things and they aided me and guided me to go to NA for the first time. If it weren’t for them things in my life could definitely look a lot different, and not in a good way! I went to NA for a while, took time to reconnect with God, find myself again, meet others in my same situation, and I was fortunate enough to dig myself out of a hole without excessive damage.This month will make 365 days clean for me.

365 days, one whole year! I thought I was in the clear; I’ve been through the hard stuff and I am better now! Yet again here is that phrase “continuing and progressive illness”. A few weeks ago at work I had a rough couple of shifts. The type of shifts where if something could go wrong it did! I was physically and mentally exhausted, stressed, had been yelled at by Dr’s, held a dying women’s hand as she took her last breath, running around with pain medication every hour. Pain medication! All it took was a moment of weakness and all of these negative thoughts, crazy ideas, bad decisions flooded my head. One bad moment and one longggggg look at those pain medications in my pocket was all it took for me to be right back at the beginning of my journey.

To clarify: I did not take any drugs and am still clean. It was not easy to have those thoughts while looking at them. I had to argue with myself for a while, in-fact, multiple times that evening, but I am proud to say I fought off the demons that day. The crazy thing is, I didn’t even want to use the drugs. My initial thought after staring at those pain medications and acknowledging that I was having a shit day was that I should go out and buy a stash for home in case I needed it later to get high. In case I was in a bad mood one day. In case I needed to drown out my thoughts when I got home. When I started using drugs this is how it started, with “in case of” Situations. Then Eventually I had enough stocked and when I got into those really dark places, and was hiding in the dark with all the demons on my shoulder, it was there for the taking.

So, what was the point in me writing this? I have a point I promise. “Continuing and progressive illness”. I thought because I didn’t go through such a hard recovery and got my shit together right away that I don’t have addiction problems. I thought because I am almost a year clean that I was in the clear. HELL NO! Addiction is something I am always going to have. Whether it be to drugs, alcohol, food, fitness, etc. it is a disease that you constantly have to battle. It doesn’t care how little or how much you used. It doesn’t care about how much you have changed or worked on yourself; your mindset. It is continuous and progressive. It is something you constantly have to work on, fight against, and be constantly thinking about. I have to address my feelings and share with my support group when I am feeling attacked or have moments of weakness. I have to be aware of substituting one addiction for another and try to juggle to keep a balance.

I am proud of where I am and how far I have come. A year ago I sedated because I didn’t want to feel any kind of emotion and had no idea how to process a change in plans or an obstacle in the road. I have progressed with my mindset, my relationships, and my understanding of my addictions. That doesn’t mean the work is over for me though. I have to keep pushing forward and keep reaching for what is in the distance. Constantly shining light in my dark corners. Addiction may be continuous and progressive, but so am I!