My “WHY”

It has been a little while since I last wrote… and I have been feeling like I should… so here we GO!

Everyone has a “why” in life.  You may not know you have one, you may not know what yours is yet, that “why” may have changed, you may have lost it over time, BUT you do have one.  This concept of having a “why” drives you to your goals, deters you away from things that don’t help push you towards your goals or dreams, help define your character, helps make up a chunk of your being.  It can be powerful if you allow it to be.  Over the last few months, nay, the last year I went through some phases, and over time I think my “why” changed and I wasn’t ready for the change yet, because I am stubborn, so I lost it.  If you are anything like me and things change or you lose your purpose of WHY you are doing what you are doing, you end up in this weird cycle you just can’t break out of.  It almost feels like you are duct taped to a treadmill chasing a donut in front of you.  No matter how fast you run, how long you run, the extra work you put in on the side to improve your running, at the end of the day you will never get that donut; you will never actually move forward.

Right now there are a lot of things in my life I am dreaming of or have as a goal, and all are in different areas of my life.  The best example I can give you for my “why” is with my body.  I am trying to achieve a healthy life.  I am a Crossfitter and I would love to eventually compete and feel like an athlete… maybe even run a half marathon one day, but overall my goal is to be healthy.  I have been trying to lose weight and be fit for three years now.  Three years ago this month was when I stepped foot into my gym for the first time, and ever since then things have drastically changed in a good way.  At first when I started, my “why”,  to lose weight and get healthy was for my baby nephew.  I promised him so many times I was going to get healthy so I could play with him, run around and teach him soccer when he got older, be able to help him play T-ball, etc.  I was doing it for him.  I worked my ass off and was determined and I got good results- it was never a linear progress, there are always ups and downs, but none-the-less progress was made.  Over time my “why” wasn’t powerful enough, because I was fit enough to hang with my nephew and chase him all over the place.  I was running Spartan Races and getting stronger at the gym.  So my “why” changed.  This time it changed to: me wanting to look good in a sports bra and shorts.  If I ever had the body to wear just a sports bra and shorts…. This had to be it… I want to look hot.  I’ll save you the long story and just say that this reason for me getting healthy didn’t last long.  In fact my “why” has changed so many times over the past few years I have lost count.  My nephews, my looks, goal to run a half marathon, goal to compete, want to be skinny like my sisters, want to prove to my family my love of CrossFit, wanting to prove to people that I wouldn’t quit, not wanting to be like my aunt who died from complications of obesity, etc.  The list goes on.  My “why” kept changing but my progress on getting healthier didn’t- it actually went backwards a little bit.

Here is what I have found.  It is ok for your “why” to change.  In fact I believe the more it changes the more you grow as a person, because you are constantly wanting more and pushing yourself in ways you never thought were capable.  However, if your “why” isn’t the right “why” then here is what happens.  You start to lose motivation, you stop caring as much, you have more bad days than good, that donut on the treadmill gets further and further away from you and you don’t even realize it until you can’t even see it anymore.  Poof. GONE.  

The past few months I have been struggling.. Not going to lie.  I have been going through motions but not actually getting anything done.  That donut had been vanished for quite some time and I felt I had no purpose, then go ahead and add some stress, an injury, of course isolation, and BAM… negative thoughts come flooding in.  (These flooded thoughts don’t just come and go; they like to hang out for a while and see how much damage they can do before you shake that shit out of your head) 

 Luckily this shitty quarantine has allowed me to do A LOT of self reflection, bible time, and thinking.  I am talking like a deep soul searching thinking….. Which hurts and is painful, but needs to be done in order to change and grow as an individual.  So by doing all of this thinking and searching I got slapped pretty hard in the face with a concept.  The reason my “why” for me losing weight and becoming healthy was not good enough.  It was never good enough because it was never for me.  I know this kind of comes off as selfish, but I believe it is ok to be selfish sometimes, (but that is a whole nother rant I will not go on right now). 

 Anyways, It was never good enough because it wasn’t for me.  All of my reasons were for other people, or for looks for guys, or because I wanted to prove people wrong!  I occasionally had times where I was super fired up and motivated and the flames were burning high, but eventually the flames got pissed on and the fire died.  All this time I could never figure out what was wrong with me and If I wanted this so bad why I couldn’t do it.  I told myself I was a failure and I kept giving up on myself.  I lacked self motivation to want to get up and workout, eat right, keep a healthy mindset, and over time it caught up with me. I had been feeling like that duct tape that was keeping me taped to the treadmill finally had enough wear and tear and ripped off without warning.  When it did the speed was so high I couldn’t keep up and the thing sent my ass flying off the back slamming me against the wall so hard that all I could do was lay there looking at the damn ceiling wondering if that really just happened to me and why.  (this seems over dramatic I know.  BUT I am trying to get across a good analogy to how it feels sometimes).

After this face slapping concept occurred something finally clicked! I re-found my “why”.  This time I am making it about me, myself, and I.  I am currently coming back from an injury and from the last few months of me eating myself to death.  I am taking this new found why and this quarantine as a fresh start.  I made new goals, I am cleaning up the life surrounding me, I am putting in more effort with the people in my life, I am choosing to make the effort of eating/cooking healthier.  I am motivated and determined.  I already know that things will be rocky- no journey is a linear path, but I am ready for those pits and valleys.  I am expecting those pits and valleys.  I also know that I will get through the bad days and moments of darkness and doubt.  How do I know? Because of my “why”.  I am worth it.  I am worth the hard work it is going to take.  I am worth the time it takes to meal prep and track my macros.  I am worth finishing my Physical Therapy to come back strong from my injury.  I am worth the fight to climb out of those dark pits and battle through hard times.  I am worthy.  It took me a long time to come to this conclusion- and I literally have to remind myself of it constantly.  The mind likes to try to convince you otherwise.  This is what it all comes down to… your “why”.

  Like I stated previously, my “why” has changed so many times in the past, but I have a good feeling about this one.  I feel like this one is going to stick with me for the long haul and not to mention open up some new doors for me as my perspective on things have changed a bit!   Remember, you are never alone in your battles. Use those around you to get through the tough times and tell those negative thoughts trapped in your head to get the hell out!  And guess what? You are worthy too. You are worth the effort you put in and can do it! I have recognized that you have to want it for yourself and not only want it, but believe you are actually worthy to have it. You have this… time to get off that treadmill and on to the path.  It’s time to inch closer towards that donut.