It Has Been a Year

It has been almost an entire year since I have posted on this blog. A lot has happened over the last year! I’d like to think I have been growing as a person, and I have been evolving in to the person whom I want to become. As with anything though, there has been ups and downs, and maybe some twists and turns along the way.

So, here we are, first blog post in about a year; what is it that I talk about? Well, I am going to talk about something that popped up for me the other day during my meditation hour. I was thinking long and hard about my path thus far, and how I have gotten to where I am currently. Why I am not further along on the timeline I had written for myself? You see, a few years ago, I started to come to the realization that the career I chose, nursing, isn’t really what I am passionate about. I had all these grand ideas of what I would rather do; something fitness related. I started all these new fitness certification programs, started hitting the gym extra hard, created a website for my new business idea, and then I just stopped.

I stopped everything. I stopped writing blogs, I stopped doing work for my certifications, I started putting weight back on… I just stopped dead in my tracks and started running backwards. So what was the turn of events that happened that made me do this? Was it fear of doing something new? Fear of stepping out of my comfort zone? Honestly, thinking about it now, I was scared because I felt, and sometimes still feel, that I can’t do that type of work. Because you see, in order for me to do that type of work, I have to step up to the plate and become that person. I am a dreamer. Always have been. My brain is just wired differently than other people. I see things and describe things that other people don’t see. I can dream about a different career with these big scenes and vision my self in a new light. I can genuinely see myself in the role of a fitness industry career. But dreaming about something is different than taking the action in order to live out that dream. In order to get the things I desire, I have to BECOME the person who I see.

Fortunately for me, I am self aware enough to know I don’t follow through on things. Ever since I was young; diets, workout plans, finishing school, hell, even craft projects or new hobbies! I always started, but never finished. Now, as an adult I do believe I have a slight case of ADHD which might be part of the problem! But there has to be a deeper reason behind it, right? Like, what is the real reason why I stop making progress and switch to a new goal, or dream, or hobby? If I am giving advice to friends I 100% tell them to take a leap of faith, take a risk, go for it. Whatever it may be, if it is going to make you grow as a person, and make you happy, why not do it? Why live with that regret when you can do something now? So why can’t I take my own advice? I NEVER take my own advice. You know how frustrating that is? That I am able to help those around me? Have deep heart to hearts with friends. Talk people out of self harm. Help people through periods of time when they feel absolutely worthless! But then when it comes time to help yourself its like an impossible task. After really trying to dig deep and think things through, I honestly believe I am missing self love.

Not loving myself enough to follow through on what I am dreaming of. Not enough self love to believe in myself. Not enough courage to be able to make my own decisions about my life without caring how others view me or care about their opinions. There are definitely some vivid memories as a kid growing up that knocked my self confidence/self esteem down a few pegs. I know this, I know that I lack in these areas. But, now I see that it is effecting my growth as a person; my ultimate happiness in life. That is not okay. And the only way to push past that wall, is to go back to those areas of pain and rewrite my story. Because as Tony Robbins says, “ change your story, change your life.”

So the question is now… how do I work on this? How do I work on loving myself? How does one learn to love themself again? How do I learn to stop running back to comfort and believe in myself enough to break down the walls in front of me? That is the only way to get anywhere in life. The most successful people in the world will tell you that! So that is my next chapter in my book. Working on myself, and not giving up on me. Learning to rebuild myself one piece at a time. With each piece I build, the stronger of a person I become. It is time to dig deeper than I have before. Going back to the very beginning and sorting through all of my life. Finding the stories I have made up in my head, changing the narratives around events that have happened that have made me weak, and overcoming old fears that have disabled my courage to become who I am supposed to be in this world.

Yes, it has been almost a year since I have written on this blog, but I am back! And I will be documenting this new part of my journey. More mindset trainings, digging deeper in to my past that I have tried to bury down, truly feeling that pain that I try to keep away from, and creating new possibilities for my future. I hope you follow along! I hope you can also relate to how I am feeling and share your perspectives about the topics as well! We are never alone! Lets get through this crazy thing called life together!