Playing Tug of War

Let’s talk about feelings. I HATE feelings. Never was good at them, but I will say I have become better about sharing them with others. Still, I struggle to understand them and figure out what to do with them. Lately I have not been doing a good job.

I know this because I just feel “off”. I am in a great position in life. I am, as other people say, “living the dream”. I don’t necessarily feel this way though. I am grateful for everything I have in life, which is why maybe I feel guilty for still feeling empty inside. I think I am just so used to burying down feelings and thoughts that I have been doing it without realizing it, and now I feel lost. I feel sad, empty, but also like I should be doing something more. There is still a slight hopefulness I feel, but it takes a while for me to find it.

For example, the past few days I got bit by the depression bug and was literally in bed ALL day. Literally, I slept for about 40hr out of the last 48. Only got up to urinate and eat food, then went back to bed. Do I know this is not right? Yes. But do I have the energy to figure out why I am doing this to myself? No. I know I want more in life and I have goals I set for myself- this is that hopefulness feeling. But it is so small sometimes, it isn’t enough to help pull me out of a funk. So here I lay in bed, in the dark, not taking texts or calls. I just sleep and eat.

I don’t cry anymore. I have literally tried! I can’t cry! Am I out of tears? Or have I held them back so many times that my body is trained to not cry? Is that even possible?? Again, is this right? No. Probably not. But what am I to do? This is that emptiness feeling I have constantly. Part of me feels like I have completely given up, but the other small part knows I can’t give up. I have a job to go to, I have family and friends who count on me, I have a full life to live and things to experience! It is very confusing for me! I feel strongly about accomplishing goals and making a better life for myself, but I also have very strong feelings about me just wanting to curl up in the fetal position and lay in the dark for several days without ever having to talk to a single soul. Its like tug of war in my head! And lately more often than not I let the darkness win.

Feelings. I don’t enjoy them. But they do mean something. Its a matter of digging in to that painful area to figure them out. That may mean sharing them with others hoping they don’t think I am completely insane. That may mean writing word vomit on these blogs to clear my head out. It may just mean having some Jesus time and spending my time with the Bible. I don’t know what the answer is! But I do know as I grow older I learn more and more about myself, how to deal with life situations, and how to navigate these feelings. Its a process and it doesn’t happen over night. I spent years avoiding them, and relearning to appreciate them is something I am not quite used to!

I guess that is pretty much it! I don’t know if that made any sense! But somehow it made me feel a little bit better! So thats all that matters! I hope everyone has a great weekend!