Thoughts from a Heavy Heart

As I am writing this I am struggling, because honestly I am so emotional right now I don’t even know where to begin or what I even want to talk about.  However, I feel a tug on my heart to share what I am currently experiencing, so hang in there with me for a moment as I try to sort through my thoughts

First off, let me just say, like I don’t mention it enough, but my Crossfit Box is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Not only the working out, but the whole community in general. The gym is my safe space, whether I am upset, angry, depressed, anxious, it doesn’t matter; it is the one space I feel like I can go to and be 100% myself without being judged.  Don’t even get me started on the people there. The friendships I have made through the gym are once in a lifetime and I have never felt more supported or loved in my entire life. Don’t get me wrong I have a wonderful loving family who definitely supports me, but the people at my gym give me something different in life; it is actually hard to describe, they are like a second family to me.  Coaching. I started coaching Crossfit classes, and coach a crossfit kids class as well. I am still learning, but damn, when I coach and when I see people working so hard on themselves to better their life, or even better, using a workout to help them get through a depression state or to cope with anxiety it warms my heart. They grow with confidence and self-esteem, and without them even knowing they are growing as an individual too.  I get the warm and fuzzies, and it makes me so happy to be there to watch their journey and maybe even a small part of it.  

Friends:  I have made mistakes, been through troubled water, been through joyous events, have had exciting opportunities, and every step of the way I have had amazing friends by my side.  I am truly grateful and blessed to have each and every one of them in my life, whether it be for a short period of time or for the long haul. Each and every one of them has made an imprint in my heart and in some way shape or form has changed my life, and has bettered me as an individual.  These are the people I turn to when things feel overwhelming, when I am heart broken, when I make mistakes and feel lost, when I am happy and proud, when I am excited, when I am thriving. We laugh together, cry together, root for one another, and the memories that come from each one of these moments are truly unforgettable.

Giving myself some gratitude:  Sometimes, it is hard to give yourself some credit in life.  LIFE IS HARD. You should be proud of yourself for getting through obstacles and achieving some goals.  Today, as I was reflecting on my life in the past few months I am grateful for everyone in my life who helped me through and was there for support, but I am also grateful I didn’t give up on myself.  I am proud of myself, and frankly I need to give myself more credit for the things I have accomplished versus hating myself for the mistakes I’ve made or the things I have yet to achieve. It is like my coach likes to say “Swingin Singles”.  Not every hit needs to be a home run, you just need a few base hits and eventually you will be bringing in the runners to home. 

If you were able to read this far I applaud you!  I didn’t really have anything specific in mind while trying to write this; I just was genuinely filled with emotions and had a heavy heart of gratitude.  Usually when I self reflect on my week I tend to pick out a few bad things and dwell on them, but today as I was self-reflecting I realized just how much goodness was in my life.  From the environments I am in, the people I love and hang out with, self-love and appreciation, my weightloss journey from the beginning till now, it all just makes me smile from ear to ear, and I wanted to share it with you all.  I guess my point from this writing is that I have definitley been in dark places before where I thought this joy and happiness I am experiencing now was never going to be an option. I never realized I had all of these wonderful things right in front of me the whole time; I only saw the darkness and refused to use my flashlight.  Life may seem hard and you may be in a spot where you feel like you are stuck or have no options and just want to quit. Hell no. You keep going, because I can speak from experience and tell you that you can and will get through it, and it is not all bad; you will feel whole again and see the light instead of darkness. Hang in there; it’s just another day.